mother

차마. Endure. Concede. That’s the word she would’ve used. I stab the piece of meat on my plate, watching the blood flow out as I do exactly what she wants. I stay quiet.

My mother never found her soulmate. Instead, she found my father via the newspaper. The section was called “Eligible Bachelors, With Bachelor Degrees.”

I am a ripple of all of you — we are sister echoes of a song my mother once sang. Each one is different from the other, a variation in the melody, perhaps, but still part of the same song.

From my mom, I learned to be funny, somewhat carefree, lighthearted and determined. I learned what beauty looks like. I learned how to stand my ground as a girl in this world.

On my first day, I had the stunning realization that I was the culmination of all of my parents’ and siblings' efforts. I felt, with a terrifying clarity, that I had to make something extraordinary of their efforts.

Love can feel like it is not being given to you, even if it is, which is why it is so crucial that we take a step back and spot it in the many forms it comes in.

I have nightmares of being a mother at 7 years old / I want to ask my mother if she feels like me too.

Today, you get a year older. And you getting older means I, too, am getting older. The more I grow up, the closer I feel to you.

My name ties me to my family, to my home and to who I am; it reminds me of who I want to be; it is a part of me that I could never give away.