Bella Chang

I’ve realized that, as a writer, I can’t completely bridge this gap between you and me, no matter how much I may try or how similar we are. I can only represent myself: weaknesses, strengths and all.

This is the American media’s concept of a perfect woman. In some ways, even today, it gives me hope. More than that though, it frustrates me.

Especially because my overall life mentality is to look forward rather than to reflect upon old memories, I’ve realized that I have let many moments from my past fade away; I’ve allowed them to pass me by when I really should have held them closer.

I’ve never really known how to feel about individualism: I envy those who boast their independent lifestyles, yet I also see it as a luxury, perhaps even a frivolous one.

Often, after easing into conversation with an American, I’ve suddenly been asked where I’m “really” from. Sometimes, they begin guessing what kind of Asian I am, like it’s a game, or they immediately assume that I’m Chinese just because I’m Asian.

I wish I could give A-Gong more than just my American habits and my Chinese, tainted with my heavy American accent and dotted with English; I wish I could say more.

It always felt a little ironic to me: the contrast between the sensitive nature of Asian culture and the culture’s disapproval of my own sensitivity. 

Since I was younger, I’ve seen food — Asian food particularly — in the same comforting way I saw my family’s moments at the dinner table, but also as a connection to the life in Taiwan that I had never experienced.

Our culture’s synonymous usage of the ‘Asian American’ and ‘model minority’ labels does not just pose a problem for Asian Americans, but for all Americans. It’s become a natural reflex in America to assign people to stereotypes — a habit that seems to be as old as time itself.

The label of "beauty" has a presence that I’ve never really understood how to deal with, especially because it tangles with both my Asian heritage and my American upbringing. Both of these cultures have made a permanent mark on me with their distinctive beauty standards.