The decision to demolish Evans Hall has raised questions on the UC Berkeley campus. 

While campus has cited structural concerns in its proposed replacement of the (sort of) beloved building, some students and faculty members believe there is a more ominous reason behind the demolition. According to a leaked document delivered to our news desk by a campus Kiwibot, campus administration has indeed been hiding the true grounds for the demolition of Evans Hall. 

The document reveals that Evans Hall is not being demolished because it is “seismically deficient” or “just f—ing ugly,” but rather to allegedly appease and rid the spirits of angry ex-business students who have been haunting the halls of the building for years. 

The decision came after years of failed attempts to exorcise the spirits, which were reportedly stealing calculators, whispering false answers in students’ ears and possessing them to day drink, said sources close to the situation. According to campus spokesperson and mathematics professor Alexandra Caulin, the ghosts began appearing after Math 1B grades were released one spring semester and have been wandering the halls of Evans Hall ever since, where they can often be heard weeping in the bathrooms. 

“We’ve tried everything from sage to holy water to consulting club invitations,” said a campus spokesperson. “Nothing has worked, so we have decided to take drastic measures and completely demolish the building as a whole. We figured it was the only way to appease the restless spirits of these failed business students — sorry, I forgot, we actually can’t use that term anymore.”

The spokesperson then hastily wiped their forehead and restated that new measures aim to appease the restless spirits of these “economics majors.”

Business administration major and UC Berkeley junior Karen Jones recounted her experience with the ghosts. 

“I remember sitting in class, trying to take notes, and suddenly my calculator would disappear,” Jones said, recounting her experiences with the ghosts. “It was like the ghosts were trying to bring me down with them academically, as if I wasn’t already aware of how competitive business school is.”

Jones went on to explain for 26 minutes how she has an “overloaded” weekend lined up with homework in Coloring 1, a DeCal she is taking and an essay on how to deconstruct the alphabet for UGBA 105.

Despite campus’s efforts to keep the hauntings under wraps as “mere superstitions,” reports of strange occurrences in Evans Hall have indeed been flooding in for years. 

When asked about the validity of such claims, the spokesperson simply side-eyed our reporter and immediately went on to announce that campus has decided to replace the building with a new one that will include state-of-the-art paranormal activity detectors.

“The new building will be equipped with the latest ex-business-major-spirit-fighting technology, including proton packs and over-caffeinated engineering students on stand-by,” the spokesperson said. “We are confident that these new counter-tactics will for sure prevent any future hauntings from taking place.”

Only time will tell whether the ghosts will continue to haunt the halls of Evans, or if they’ll move on to new pastures, which experts predict will most likely be Pimentel Hall. One thing’s for sure, though — contracts are already in the works for a Berkeley-based “Insidious” spinoff series produced by Seth Rogen, the spokesperson murmured. 

This piece has been written for purely satirical purposes.