Hey Maddie, what are you doing?
Are you dreaming or thinking?
Calm or anxious?
Hey Maddie, I wonder if you know that I hate myself.
Thinking about you, I hate myself.
Hey Maddie, I’m looking at the ceiling,
it’s white, and it reminds me of how I feel, around you
I’m nothing. Around you, I’m blank.
I think it’s because when I’m around you,
you make me up. I’m nothing.
Hey Maddie, I’m listening to a song on repeat.
I think it’s because it makes me feel something
similar to what I feel when you’re around.
But I’m just spoiling that feeling now.
Hey Maddie, do my words mean anything to you?
They mean nothing to me,
but I swear these words aren’t mine.
They’re yours because you make me up.
Hey Maddie, I’m still listening to that song.
The more I listen, the more I hate myself.
But the more I listen, the closer you are.
Hey Maddie, realize that
the closer you are, the closer I get to being nothing.
I’ll be you. You’ll make me up.
And I need you to make me up.
Hey Maddie, I or me is so obscure.
I hate the thing that I am,
that’s why I’d rather be nothing
than something I hate.
I’d rather you fill that spot.
Because I can’t hate you,
I can’t break something so strong
so transparent, miraculous.
Hey Maddie, why are you so kind?
Why is it that when I want one thing, you agree?
I think you want something else.
But then another part of me wants to believe
that whatever makes me happy makes you happy.
But maybe it’s because I’m selfish
and you aren’t.
God, I hate myself.
Hey Maddie, remember that day
when I left your house without saying anything?
I was holding back tears.
Not because I missed you then
but because I knew how much I would miss you later.
Hey Maddie, remember
when we were on my couch that night?
We sat in comfort, our shoulders begging for an embrace.
Some songs were playing,
some words were being said,
and something was being made.
Hey Maddie, remember that question I always ask you?
Something or anything?
What’s the difference?
Hey Maddie, if something is small and anything is big,
I want both with you.
If I only had one choice?
I would choose anything with you. Anything.
Hey Maddie, the song is still playing.
You’re still not here, and I still can’t love myself.
And I still have other things to do,
But — I still can’t stop writing about you.
Okay Maddie, one more thing:
There was a time when we bought food, and I bought a drink for myself, and it had ice.
Most of the ice was hard, and my teeth were in pain. But suddenly, as the movie was playing, your hand was on mine, our breaths were in sync, I caught a soft piece of ice and ate it.
That soft piece of ice was so lovely. It was like you. Or me?
I dissolved with you. You moved slowly into the tunnel of anything, and I became something like water, and there you made me up. In the solid state, you melted into you or me or you or me — you, started me.
We softly melted into something; wait, no! We softly melted into anything, and I was nothing, but you were everything.
Everything, yes, that’s it. I want everything with you. Everything.
Fuck. You’re right.
If there’s one thing
I want you to remember, it’s that
You make me up.
Hey Maddie, I think
I think I love you. Haha, lol, okay.
Goodnight. Pause. Alarm set.
Pen down. Thoughts ended.
Something or anything?
Yes, everything with you.
Maddie — vida mia.