Dating is tricky. Like most things in life, it can take a bit of practice to get used to. And, whether you’re fresh to the dating game or a seasoned veteran, a suitable partner in this economy has been notoriously hard to come by. 

Unless you’re me, of course.

Everyone knows I’ve never struggled in my dating life in any capacity whatsoever. So, I am more than qualified to offer these eight sound pieces of dating advice.

Show off your talents

People love creativity and originality! It’s always great to display what makes you stand out. Do you have a special interest or hobby? Show it off!  Better yet, make it your entire personality! One-dimensional is the new well-rounded.

Make sure they know who you are

We all know you’re the more interesting person in this conversation and it’s up to you to make sure they know that. Who cares what their interests, passions, hopes or dreams are? They’re going on a date with you! No one knows you better than yourself so you might as well give them the full rundown of your riveting life. If you’re an alpha male (extra points for business or STEM majors), then you’re likely already a pro at this. But there’s always room for improvement.

Prioritize yourself

Don’t do anything you don’t want to. Like, at all. If they have a hobby you’re not too into, never show interest or participate. If they ask you to accompany them to a funeral but it’s not your vibe, just say no. You have to do what feels right for you <3.

Don’t settle

Bummed because you realized their friends are even hotter? Go after them instead! Nothing says ‘I like your taste in company’ more than hooking up with their besties!

Play hard to get

Take off in a full sprint when they make eye contact with you. 

Take it slowly

Sometimes it’s better to pump the brakes a bit when you realize a relationship is moving too fast. You might have noticed something you hate about them, or maybe you just found someone better. Either way, the most ethical method I have found to slow down a relationship is to just stop responding altogether. Ignore their texts, block their calls, and start circulating a rumor that you transferred. When you run into them at Tap Haus a few weeks later, fake an accent and run away. 

Chose an exciting activity

Recently, a guy took me to go axe-throwing for our first date. It turns out I’m not too good at throwing axes and it turns out he’s not too good at dodging them either. So maybe don’t choose this activity.

Accidentally commit a war crime

Send nudes!? I thought you said nukes! 

If you follow this advice then your dating life is sure to be a success, and if it isn’t… maybe romance just isn’t for you. 

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.