Last week I got the chance to sit down and interview Laurie Savannah, the lead actress in the upcoming BBC Television series “Marvin’s Many Misfortunes” — a gritty tale about an orphan child abandoned to the dark streets and grim color palettes of London during the 1700s. In the show, Savannah plays Marvin’s adoptive mother. But everyone watching these previews has been so blown away by her striking youth and beauty, even as a woman in her late thirties. I got a couple of tips from her, and below I have gathered Savannah’s top five products and routines that keep her looking so naturally gorgeous. Follow these steps and maybe one day you too can be as beautiful as this alluring celebrity.
Miracle anti-aging retinol collagen-infused placenta goji berry gentle face wash
First up, we have the miracle anti-aging retinol collagen-infused placenta etc. face wash. Savannah swears by this product, using it twice a day right after her personal assistants wipe her face and open up her pores with her state-of-the-art automatic steaming towels. This is a great budget-friendly option for anyone trying to achieve her glow!
This product is available for only $57!
This next routine is perfect for any of the plant lovers out there. Simply take an aloe leaf, sprinkle it with some salt and lay it flat on your face. It only takes one ingredient and works like a charm! The only downside is that the full purification process takes more than eight hours, during which time you can’t move. This allows the toxins and debris hidden deep within your skin to make their way to the surface and be absorbed by the aloe leaf. During this time, Savannah likes to unwind with a glass of wine (inserted through an IV drip to avoid movement) and the latest bestseller according to The New York Times (read aloud by her personal assistants). See, celebrities truly are just like you and me!
This natural aloe leaf product from Erewhon Market sells for $74.
“Blood of a virgin harvested on a full moon during the Age of Pisces” facial
Don’t let the name deceive you: This special facial only provided by Dr. Hayes on a special boat 13 nautical miles from the coast of California doesn’t actually involve the blood of virgins! Savannah warned me to just not ask too many questions. Appointments can be made by calling 9XX-XXX-XXXX. Please, use burner phones only! Otherwise, consider making a “significant” donation to the “Doctors for Cigarettes” foundation. Donating now can place you on the waitlist for this one-of-a-kind experience.
This product has no “material” cost.
Dubeau-Moreau-Laurent-Michel crème de face
Laurie Savannah swears that this face cream (crème de face) is the key to her radiant complexion. Its luxurious feel will leave your skin refreshed without any residual oiliness. Pick it up at your local department store or a Sephora near you.
This is a steal at $1,250!
The best plastic surgeon west of the Mississippi
There’s not much more to be said about this one.
Dr. Leon’s consultations start at only $1,590.
There you have it! These five products and routines will set you on track to achieve a face meant for stardom. Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness has never had perfect skin, and anyone without perfect skin should clearly be an unhappy person. Have you ever seen someone on television with acne, facial scars, wrinkles, moles or dark circles? No! That’s why you should sell your soul to the celebrity skin care gods, desperately hoping that one day you too can be seen smiling in an ad.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.