Sophomore Samuel Loomis reported Tuesday that his neighbors had arranged all their leftover Halloween candy on a decorative platter in the kitchen, obviously in some kind of attempt to catch him falling to the temptation of gluttony.
“When they first invited me over this morning, I didn’t really think anything of it,” Loomis said. “But when I got to their place and saw the leftover Halloween candy carefully arranged into a spiral on a platter in their kitchen, I just knew something was up.”
Loomis expressed certainty that his neighbors were performing some kind of test of his greed, or maybe gauging his trustworthiness.
“They leave the room every once in a while, almost like an invitation, but I just know that if I take one of those Twix bars, they’re going to jump out with cameras and reveal that this was all some kind of social experiment,” Loomis said, warily eyeing the plate of candies. “You ever heard of the Marshmallow Test? Sociology’s messed up, man.”
Pointing out the eye-catching placement and the “suspicious” lack of Skittles, Loomis reported it was essentially a given that the candy was off-limits. “I’m just going to pretend it doesn’t exist,” Loomis said. “If I acknowledge the candy, it’ll be no different from admitting to them that I have no power over my own desire for sugar.”
“As soon as that happens, I’ll have to go through the rest of my life only a step away from the possibility that I’m nothing but a slave to my own desires, no better than an animal.”
As of press time, Loomis reported he had averted the crisis by throwing the candy out of a nearby window.
