Recently, I was sitting in a crowded classroom surrounded by men who were not wearing their face masks properly and were also sporting flip-flops. I felt panicked and closed in. I dropped the class the next day. The experience got me thinking about certain men’s fashion trends that I personally view as red flags. I think documenting these red flags is important because it provides me with an opportunity to give unwanted advice, while also being judgemental toward myself and others.
A worn-out trend I’ve noticed is the single, dangly cross earring. This marks the male appeal to the worst part of TikTok. The accessory is both too much and strikingly low effort. I get it, you think you’re hot, and you can’t hold a conversation. Now, before you start, I am vaguely familiar with Christianity. More than 60% of the country is Christian. Even as a Jew, I understand it’s on the menu. Believe it or not, I’ve seen a movie and read a book. Congratulations on the majority status, the earring is still lame.
Wearing these earrings, however, will not only not get you laid, but will make you look like a tool who’s firstly not getting laid and secondly thinking about getting a perm. The only earring with anything resembling a cross shape that should be worn are sword earrings, and that’s final. If you own sword earrings, I might be in love with you.
If you’re actively looking for methods to discourage me from falling for you, flip-flops are a good place to start. One time, I was walking down the street and saw a man jogging in flip-flops. It felt vaguely sad to me, the kind of feeling I get from people-watching in a shopping-mall parking lot; but mostly I was annoyed, and my ears hurt. The noise that flip-flops make is absolutely disgusting. I become feral each time I hear someone in flip-flops from half a mile away. They’re always either shuffling along, not picking their feet up or letting the heel slap the concrete, all at about 100 decibels.
Even when stationary, flip-flops are problematic. Seeing someone’s bare feet is somewhere between second and third base. The bottom line is feet are gross and I never want to see yours. We’re in a pandemic — if I can’t see your face then I definitely shouldn’t see your feet.
Another particularly classroom-related annoyance is the loose-fitting mask. We see these people in class with a mask slipping under their nose because their mask doesn’t fit their face. They’re vile, up to no good and committing crimes so heinous that even Oski would shudder at the thought. Anyway, my point is if your mask is so loose that your nose is exposed in class more often than not, you probably don’t brush your teeth and have an extensive criminal record.
Moving up to the eyes — more than a year ago, I walked into my optometrist’s office for an appointment. The optometrist office is the peak of sexual tension in the medical field. You go in there, and sex-deprived strangers stare at your face, saying things such as, “You have to buy these glasses. They highlight your chiseled, manly jawline and help define your dark, handsome eyebrows. … but this other pair suits your soft, yet masculine lips. So many choices! Let’s just kiss instead.”
Anyway, my optometrist asked me if I wore sunglasses, and when I told him no, he acted so offendedly. “But your eyes!” he cried, “They need protection from the sun!”
First off, the only things my eyes need protection from are, once again, the bare feet of strangers, which are repulsive, and the harsh shine of your cross earring.
This being said, I gave in and bought some prescription sunglasses. I was under their spell for months. Everything was darker, a nice shade of gray. I felt like a big, stupid dog floating through life, and I loved it. Until one day, I sat on my sunglasses and broke them. The spell, too, was broken. I started looking at photos of myself in the glasses and realized I looked like a yutz. If you’re wearing sunglasses, you need to wear them with a little sign that reads, “I’m wearing these for the long-term health of my vision and am not wearing them for the following reasons: First, I am dead behind the eyes. Second, I am a creep and looking at your ass. And third, I think I look cool in these.”
Let’s check in. Feel that? That’s the sin of poor fashion decisions being lifted from you. Now that you’ve read this, you can finally avoid these trends, or as I call them, bad decisions, and live a clean, perfect and fashionable life. As well as a tool for self-reflection, I hope this serves as a helpful guide in deciding which peers to judge, and ultimately think less of in your classrooms due to arbitrary fashion choices.