Freshman Samuel Jonas announced minutes ago that, despite being pretty scary, “The Witch” really just couldn’t evoke the same quiet dread as the idea that he’s already missed his shot at achieving his dreams.

“Yeah, this movie’s kind of scary, but I’m just not getting the same paralyzing, yet panic-inducing terror that I get when I consider the possibility that I’ve already squandered all my opportunities to find contentment in my life,” Jonas said, slowly liquefying into a crowded couch.

Jonas, who arrived at Halloween movie night in an undersized hot dog costume, has reportedly spent the past few minutes explaining to his two neighbors that “director Robert Eggers has truly mastered tone and atmosphere, but he just can’t compete with the insidious whispering of my own subconscious telling me that it’s already too late for me.”

Stretching over the table to grab a chocolate bar, Jonas reported that the attention to detail in the movie’s setting was immersive, but ultimately failed to make the experience feel as present and looming as the potential that his future was already filled with predetermined bleakness.

“When I consider that no matter what I do from now on, I might not be able to reach a point where I’m satisfied with what I’ve accomplished, this movie honestly seems pretty lighthearted,” Jonas said, adding that he often felt like he had lost control of his life long ago.

As of press time, Jonas reported that his fear of being unable to achieve his dreams was greatly overshadowed by his fear of clowns.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.