I slid on my shoes and stared out into the dark hallway at my brother — still awake with the light of his computer shining on his face. While he was awake, I knew that he couldn’t see or hear me while he watched TV before bed, with an AirPod in each ear. My hookup’s address appeared on my lock screen. I had to sneak out of my house through the back door so that my family wouldn’t notice that I was gone. As I quickly left the house, I felt adrenaline and dopamine flood my brain.
This was surprisingly my first time truly sneaking out of my house, and I felt free — a little reckless maybe — but free.
Of course, I still made sure to take safety precautions. I messaged my friend to call my sister if I didn’t come home and shared my location with her while she was asleep. But beyond that, I told no one else about my agenda for the night.
While driving to my hookup’s house, I felt only a tinge of fear and regret that eventually melted away the closer I got. Even though I was not obligated to go through with the hookup, I felt that it was something I had to do. That night, I was going to let my emotional state control me, instead of my normally reserved and rational personality. I remember thinking, I am getting railed tonight, and nothing — not even my own conscience — was going to stop me.
Throughout my entire life, I have consistently adhered to the rules. Whether or not those rules were placed on me by authority figures such as my teachers and my parents or were self-inflicted, I rarely broke them and any expectations of me. Following instructions was comfortable to me; I could understand the results of my actions before doing them. But it was also restricting almost like I wasn’t living for myself.
This was only further exacerbated by my realization of my queerness. In some ways, I imposed a lot of rules on myself because I realized that I would always be perceived differently. I learned to minimize myself even more than before, and I became isolated from normal high school experiences.
This wasn’t entirely my fault, considering that it’s generally difficult for young queer people to enjoy the same activities as their straight cisgender counterparts due to social ostracization. However, most of these restrictions that I placed on myself came from a fear of disappointing other people around me.
I deeply feared — and to some extent, I still fear — that people’s perception of me would change. As a queer person, any action that I took would draw the attention of the people around me, and the image that I carefully constructed would be completely destroyed. While I now care less about others’ perspectives of me, at the time, I was afraid that taking any sort of risk would only lead to negative consequences and that I would remain unfulfilled in the process.
I’m still a rather reserved and timid person, but that isn’t something I want to hold onto forever. I want to release all this anxiety surrounding breaking the “rules” that I place on myself. So, I took the risk of driving over to a random stranger’s house to hook up with him at 2 a.m. I wanted to finally feel alive.
I got to the house at around 2:15 a.m., and parked on a shadowy portion of the street as instructed by my hookup. I remember at first questioning myself, wondering what the fuck I was doing, but ultimately deciding to have sex — I am getting railed tonight, I reminded myself.
I hopped over a 5-foot-8-inch concrete wall to meet him in his backyard, and we awkwardly stood there waiting to start. I remember feeling like I was in a movie as he brought over a lawn chair to fuck on.
While neither of us ended up finishing, the entire experience was far better than my previous hookups, and I was not disappointed, ashamed or fearful throughout the actual sex. I just felt the raw emotion and allowed my body to control me. I remember smiling a lot, not necessarily because of the hookup, but because I was proud that I was allowing myself to finally live and to experience simple pleasures instead of being stuck in constant rigidity.
I’m finally breaking out of the timidity that has dominated my life. And while I don’t suggest that people hook up with a stranger for validation or even do anything sexual, I encourage people to live their life without restrictions. Maybe then, they can avoid the feeling of isolation that I experienced.
Currently, I am in the process of reclaiming myself and living how I see fit, without rules and regulations. While it’s difficult, as is everything, I realized that it’s the only way that I can feel free and happy. I suppose that’s what I wanted this entire time — to feel happy, and even though comfort in knowing the outcome of my actions makes life easy and predictable, it also creates a certain dullness and a lack of fulfillment.
I encourage all of you to live the life that you want and to get that dick, both figuratively and literally.