Admitting it was “honestly a toss-up,” rising junior Doe Zoff reported uncertainty Wednesday as to whether summer vacation would make her sleep schedule better or worse.
As UC Berkeley students find their schedules opened up by the ending of the spring semester, many celebrate the chance to catch up on lost sleep. Zoff, however, is dubious. “Let’s be real, I might end up pulling a few all-nighters just for fun and end up even more sleep-deprived than during the semester,” she said.
“To be fair, I have technically been getting seven hours of sleep every day since finals ended,” Zoff said. “But at the same time, is it really better if those hours are coming in 14 half-hour naps over the course of the day?”
Since summer vacation started, Zoff has reportedly adopted an increasingly erratic sleep schedule.
“My grip on reality has been pretty tenuous since finals, so I couldn’t tell you how this happened,” she said.
However, Zoff guesses that “it’s probably related to the several thousand macarons that I’ve baked over the course of this past week.”
“It does make me worried about the rest of the summer, though,” Zoff confessed. “I had a vague idea of what the break would be like, but thinking about it, I’m really not sure what’s going to happen. It’d be cool if my sleep schedule looped around and ended up normal by the time school starts again.”
Zoff expressed worry that her packed summer schedule would interfere with her attempts to rebalance her circadian rhythm.
“To be honest, I still have to watch the lectures from Math 1A from last semester so that I’ll at least be a little prepared to take Math 1B in the fall. I feel like I should probably slot that in somewhere.”
Zoff additionally outlined a plan to “drive east” as far as she could in order to “sort of reverse-jet lag myself.”
“OK wait, what if I could drive to Nevada, stay there for a couple of weeks, then drive all the way back? I’m pretty sure I’ve got this thought out correctly,” she said.
At press time, sources close to Zoff confirmed she was researching sleeping bags to bring into lectures in the fall.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.