In response to UC Berkeley’s housing crisis, Oski and his team have unveiled a new plan to house students. Citing the nearly infinite ways to get lost in Dwinelle Hall, Oski said this meant “there is nearly infinite space in Dwinelle, which is the perfect solution to the lack of student housing.” Elle Dwin, UC Berkeley’s director of housing, said Dwinelle Hall would be especially well-suited for housing freshmen. “What better introduction could freshmen have to Berkeley than living somewhere absolutely confusing with little guidance on how to navigate it?” Dwin said.

Dwin laid out the plans for the new dorm space, “We can have the dining halls in the back corridor of floor Z, while the dorms will largely be on the stairway between floor A and B.” When asked about the quality of the food in the Dwinelle Dining Hall, Dwin revealed that was not a concern of hers. “Nobody will find the dining hall anyway,” Dwin said candidly, “By the time they do they’ll be so drained that any food we serve will taste like heaven.”

 When asked about how freshmen would be able to socialize when nobody would be able to find their dorm, Chancellor Oski responded, “Hey, it’s not ideal, but at least they have a roof over their heads and stairs to sleep on.” Brutal, yes, but at least the Chancellor was honest.

We at the Daily Clog are excited for the class of 2024 to experience all that UC Berkeley has to offer. We have no doubts that the reviews of the new dorm will be absolutely mediocre.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.