In response to incessant protests Friday, Cal Dining has voted to never serve baked beans again. This comes as one protest among a series of protests spanning the time since the Free Speech Movement. 

Decidedly, anti-baked bean students took to Sproul Plaza and shared the reasons why they will never eat baked beans again. One protester claimed, “Baked beans are nasty and make me want to yak.” Another stated, “Baked beans are just so soupy! They have too much sugar, fake preservatives and barely any beans!” and went on to say that baked beans “caused rifts in his relationship with his parents.” Their message was greatly emphasized by the cans of beans sitting next to them, which served as a visual cue to students to remind them of their hatred for baked beans. After just a few hours on Sproul, an angry crowd of students had amassed, named themselves the Bears for the Betterment of Beans, and filed an official petition to Cal Dining to remove baked beans from UC Berkeley’s campus.

Cal Dining is committed to “providing great-tasting food for every palate” and nourishing the UC Berkeley community for both “physical and social well-being, through customer-driven programs.” In an official statement issued Friday evening, Jack Beanstalk, the executive director of Cal Dining, reaffirmed this commitment, saying, “We at Cal Dining would not want to serve anything that would provoke these dark thoughts from students.” Due to the high number of signatures on the petition — setting a record for the most students to sign a petition at UC Berkeley — baked beans will be removed from campus within the next week.

This protest serves as the latest development in the long, rich history of the Free Speech Movement at UC Berkeley. Protest leader and new president of Bears for the Betterment of Beans said she feels “honored” that what started as her simply voicing her opinion has become one of the most successful protests on this campus. “It’s reassuring to know that in this age of social media and technology, grassroots organizations can still get things done,” she added. She also noted the peculiarity of the situation, in which students of such varied beliefs and backgrounds unified so quickly over a common hatred.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.