Encountering squirrels on campus is not uncommon for UC Berkeley students hurrying to class. In fact, these big squirrels have become an essential part of our campus community and student life, but a sudden onslaught of squirrels stealing students’ food has left campus authorities concerned.

Last week, UC Berkeley freshman Roe Dent was enjoying her chocolate chip cookies outside Moffitt Library when, all of a sudden, she was caught by a squirrel that seemed to eye her suspiciously before inching steadily forward. Sensing the danger in the situation, Dent abruptly stepped aside, which is when the squirrel pounced on the cookies and ran away with Dent’s hard-earned reward, leaving Dent hungry for the rest of the evening. The Clog has also received anonymous reports regarding squirrels disrupting a picnic party on Memorial Glade as well as ambushing students snacking in front of the Campanile.

The growing menace has left students starving out of fear of these thieving squirrels. Yet there seems to be many sides to this argument. Campus authorities attribute this development to students who have previously fed food crumbs to the squirrels. Students, on the other hand, want some form of compensation from campus authorities for losing hundreds of dollars’ worth of food.

An innovative solution is in the works, as an insider recently reported to the Clog. Campus dining halls plan to roll out a new dining hall in the upcoming semester dedicated to filling the stomachs of our beloved squirrels. A draft of the menu boasts a wide range of meat and vegan options from fungi, seeds, nuts and fruit to eggs and small insects. Additionally, the opening of Brown Squirrel Café, or BSC, on Upper Sproul Plaza will benefit squirrels on the go.

UC Berkeley Chancellor Oski believes the above measures will ensure the longevity and health of our currently famished campus squirrels.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.