Every year in November, as Halloween comes to an end, the debate over whether or not it is acceptable to begin preparing for and celebrating Christmas erupts yet again. This year, however, UC Berkeley holiday specialist Nicholas Green, who has a doctorate in cultural celebrations, has established the date for when it’s finally acceptable to get hyped for the holiday season.
“Some go so far as to begin the day after Halloween,” said Green. “People want to celebrate the upcoming holiday season, no matter how far in the future it is. And an official ‘go-ahead’ is just what we need in today’s society.”
This debate has had severe social repercussions, with Green’s studies suggesting that it is a significant source of stress for the merrier among the population, who feel “low-key awkward and judged” for pulling out their Christmas gear early, according to the abstract.
“The blackhearted grinches among us, on the other hand, probably couldn’t care less,” said Green. “So I guess our work just doesn’t apply to them.”
For everyone else, however, this season is a time for joy. Green’s team of experts have mathematically set a time when it should be socially acceptable to pull out that Christmas spirit and go absolutely nuts about Santa.
“The biggest factor in our study was how to balance the beginning of the Christmas season after the previous major holidays, namely Halloween and Thanksgiving,” said Green. “That’s not taking into account the preparation time to set up decorations and find gifts.”
By adding in an additional gap after Thanksgiving to give people a chance to recharge, Green’s team ultimately concluded that people can embarrassedly begin taking out their Christmas gear a week after Turkey Day.
To reiterate: you may begin celebrating Christmas a week after Thanksgiving.
“We thought about starting right after Halloween, given how controversial a holiday Thanksgiving is,” said Green. “But honestly two straight months of Christmas spirit is way too much.”
Though, chances are everyone knows a person who’s already blaring Christmas music year-round.
Of course, this varies for those who don’t celebrate Christmas. Some other cultural holidays, such as Hanukkah, the winter solstice and Lunar New Year actually have specific dates and traditions set for their celebrations.
“Christmas, on the other hand, is an inflated capitalist scheme that preys on the rampant consumerism of American society in a way that takes away from the original spirit of family and stuff.” said Green. “So, we have to be very careful about when we get into that mindset.”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.