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Clog Report: Loud students in lecture mistaken for visiting middle schoolers

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OCTOBER 29, 2018

After a long, in-depth analysis and careful consideration, UC Berkeley campus researchers have conclusively concluded that the disruptive students in lecture are actually visiting middle schoolers.

These middle schoolers have been caught loudly interrupting students’ ability to learn from award-winning professors in necessary-to-graduate courses. The campus student body has learned, however, exactly how it feels to have their chair regularly kicked from behind with careless force.

“It’s been the sixth time in like 10 minutes,” said senior Johnny Rage as he angrily got ready to leave lecture. “Like come on!”

Rage calculated an average time of 34 seconds between each kick, which is far too high, even given the only somewhat uncomfortable chairs in this room. Rage explained that he would be totally okay with one or two, or maybe even three, violent nudges through the course of the 1 1/2-hour lecture. But six is just too much. 

These regular kicks portray a total lack of social awareness that has to only come with the spoiled, entitled indifference of angsty pre-teens.

Careful analysis of the habits of college students as they sit through lectures has revealed minimal similarities between the average student and the middle schoolers sitting behind them. 

“Considering how often they’re kicking the chair,” Rage said, “these imbeciles obviously have less self-control than some elementary school children.”

Sources say that things have taken a turn for the worse in most cases as, in addition to almost regularly kicking your chair, the rowdy middle schoolers have begun loudly talking as well.

“They’re so disruptive that it’s like being back in high school all over again!” Rage shouted.

Careful consideration of classroom atmospheres led to the conclusion that high school students suffer more from being hopelessly wild and immature, as opposed to the jaded and total indifference of a standard college student classroom.

“Wait a second,” Rage interrupted. “I thought they had to be middle schoolers. Why are they talking about parties and drinking?”

At press time, Rage finally turned around to yell at the privileged visitors to tell them to respect the learning space, only to realize the alleged middle schoolers were actually all college students.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].

OCTOBER 29, 2018