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Clog Report: Students enroll in all desired classes during Phase I

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OCTOBER 23, 2018

Thanks to fiscally sound administrative policies and efficient, fair enrollment procedures, every UC Berkeley student was able to enroll in the classes they desired during Phase I of spring 2019 class registration.

Unlike previous semesters, when the campus suffered from budget shortages that resulted in limited teaching staff and lengthy waitlists, this semester actually had adequate resources allotted for undergraduate education. This change ensured that students were able to secure spots in courses required to graduate.

“We’ve struggled in the past, but this year, we finally got there,” said Karol Chroski, spokesperson for the UC Berkeley Office of the Registrar. “We thought to ourselves, ‘Hey, you know what, these students are actually paying a lot to be here, so let’s help them actually get their money’s worth by making sure they get the classes they need!'”

During this Phase I cycle, classes with notoriously long waitlists such as UGBA 10 and Chemistry 3A had enough seats and discussion sections to accommodate all the students who needed to take such classes as prerequisites for other major requirements, allowing every student to enroll and follow through on the four-year plans set by their hands-on, instructive advisers.

Campus freshman Jane Moffitt said her experience during Phase I enrollment was completely smooth and stress-free, and noted that she was grateful toward the university for making her feel like her education was actually valued.

“It’s weird to think that there was a time when people actually stressed about getting into classes when it’s already so stressful just being in class,” Moffitt said. “It’s really nice to know that the administration is solving these problems.”

Other, older students, however, are less impressed by the efficiency of the new system after having spent years dealing with loss of sleep and anxiety induced by the stress of past Phase I’s.

“It’s crap,” said fifth-year senior Stanley Evans. “After spending years getting dropped from waitlists, I wasn’t even able to graduate on time because Phase I always screwed me over. It shouldn’t have taken the administration this long to figure out that making classes more accessible is a priority at a freaking university.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Hannah Nguyen at [email protected].

OCTOBER 23, 2018