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Here's what UC Berkeley would be like if it were underwater

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SEPTEMBER 26, 2018

Some of us must have thought about this at some point. Whether inspired by the tale of Atlantis or by global warming, the possibility of UC Berkeley being a functioning institution underwater is not out of the question. Here are some ways in which UC Berkeley would be different if we all studied under the sea.

Football games would be reminiscent of the Bubble Bowl from “SpongeBob SquarePants”

Who could forget that classic episode of “SpongeBob” when Squidward conducts the Bikini Bottom Super Band for the Bubble Bowl? With a band as stellar as ours, every football game would be lit; not only would you be able to enjoy the school spirit, but now you could do so while surrounded by the beauty of the sea. The seats would be packed at every game, guaranteed.

The vents that have smoke coming out of them near LeConte would actually be hydrothermal vents that would power campus

Next time you walk toward LeConte and see the giant vents emanating a warm (and comforting) water vapor, you won’t be able to help but think of the similar-looking hydrothermal vents that dot the seafloor. If these vents were as large as the ones on campus, they would have the capability of powering all of Northside. The only difference is that the hydrothermal vents would be much hotter than the vents on campus.

Squirrels would be fish, but would still be just as greedy as they’ve always been

Sometimes squirrels can live underwater — at least in “SpongeBob.” However, you can rest assured knowing there aren’t many squirrels like Sandy Cheeks in the ocean. Instead, there are a variety of fish ranging from tiny smelt to large bluefin tuna. Though they probably won’t approach you immediately, they will most likely be eyeing your crackers, and take the opportunity as soon as you look away. The fish have adapted to their surroundings so well that they will hide themselves in coral beds and anemones to avoid immediate detection. Consider that when you decide to go on a picnic near the pretty corals with your friends.

UC San Diego would be our rivals, and our mascot would be the Sea Bear

The ferocious sea bear from “SpongeBob” would be our new mascot if we were underwater. Appropriately, our new rivals would be UC San Diego, since their team name is the triton (the Stanford Tree would no longer be relevant underwater). The Sea Bear can be summoned by unconventional means such as the mentioning of late-night chicken tenders or free boba.

Tidal currents would be the main form of transit

Now you can be like Crush and Squirt from “Finding Nemo”! The tidal currents will act as the BART of the ocean, except this time, there are no trains, and the way you get to your stop is by fighting the current. In other words, late-night excursions could make you end up on the other side of the globe if you aren’t careful.

Textbooks are not waterproof, but you still need them for class

Unless you have a waterproof laptop that can survive at least 10 feet below sea level, I wouldn’t recommend taking classes that require textbooks. Since everything on the midterms comes straight from the textbook, you’re left with no other option. Unfortunately, waterproof textbooks haven’t been invented yet, and even if such technology does eventually come around, there’s no way anyone could afford it. If you want to get the job done, consider getting better at speed reading.

Now you have some idea of what life would be like as a student surrounded by salty brine. Just hope a tuna fish doesn’t steal your peanut butter sandwich.

Contact Malvika Singhal at [email protected].

SEPTEMBER 26, 2018