Fun fact: If you take a sip of your drink every time Chris Harrison finds a different way to say “most dramatic season ever,” you’ll black out before you can even find out whom Becca chooses. This is probably because the finale is three hours long, and before and after each commercial break, Chris Harrison is there at the live studio viewing party to remind us all about how it’s the most emotional finale, ever. He keeps telling everyone it’s an “absolute tear-jerker” with an “absolutely devastating heartbreak,” all while maintaining a completely emotionless face.
Chris Harrison: what you’re about to see is like nothing I’ve ever seen on this show before
Narrator: it was, in fact, the exact same thing Chris has seen many times before…
— Julia🌻 (@juliaostrovsky) August 7, 2018
Becca and her two final contestants head to the Maldives, where one will be brutally rejected and the other will enjoy an engagement that historically lasts less than a year! As always, before Becca makes the big decision, the two men meet her family so her relatives can see which man is the better match for her. Because talking with each man for the same length as a Marvel movie is a surefire way to get to know your future in-law, right?
Garrett meets the Kufrins first, and he comes out all goofy and smiley, like a Labrador puppy — albeit a Labrador puppy that likes alt-right Instagram posts on the side. He does the typical roundtable with all of the family members and then talks with each of them individually. He must not have mentioned his penchant for laughing at posts that make fun of feminists, because Becca’s family gives him the thumbs-up, which makes Becca giddy.
When Blake walks through the door, Becca’s sister comments on how he “looks like a movie star.” And you know what? He kind of does look like a dollar-store version of Scott Eastwood. Good for him. While Blake is being grilled by other family members, Becca and her sister talk about him behind his back. Her sister thinks Garrett would be a great father but that Blake would be more of a teammate — he’d be a partner who would challenge her. Becca agrees that Garrett is the bigger risk.
Meanwhile, Blake gets in his head again after Becca’s mom asks how he would feel if Garrett were to be picked. Other family members also ask him various questions about being sent home, which of course is edited but made to look like Blake is self-imploding about his insecurities. Although it’s not a bad date, he tells the camera that he senses something is off.
Becca has one last date with each guy, starting with Garrett. They are back on a beach, but thankfully do something other than sit in the sand. They take a romantic boat ride to the equator line, and the two swim up to it. Garrett doesn’t quite get what the equator is and says, “Maybe it’s the girl, maybe it’s the equator, but I’m on top of the world right now.” That’s not exactly how the equator works, but the sentiment is still cute.
In the evening, the two hang out in a villa and talk about the future. Garrett says he’s excited for them to be in a grocery store together and pick out what to eat, really raising the romance bar high. He says that she “(makes) it feel like Fourth of July going off in (his) chest” and that Becca doesn’t give him butterflies — she “gives (him), like, eagles.” Ryan Gosling better watch out, because Garrett really knows how to use his words to sweep a girl off her feet. Becca still eats it up, and they share a sweet kiss goodbye.
The four words every woman wants to hear #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/hZqobK8zK1
— amanda (@itsamandagrrl) August 7, 2018
The next day, Becca and Blake go biking around the island and paddleboarding in the ocean. Becca decides the week of her proposal is the best time to bring up Arie again and talks to Blake about how her sister never got to meet him. Later at night, Blake shows her a shadow box he made with photos and memorabilia of their time together on the show. He has to clear up that he only made the inside, not the box, which is a shame since Becca looked impressed at his woodcrafting skills. We all know how much she loves a guy who can handle wood.
Neil Lane makes his guest cameo of the season, helping Garrett and Blake choose the expensive-ass rings they are going to propose to Becca with. Before we can see the proposals, however, emotional fluffer Chris Harrison has to remind the audience again about how “raw, real (and) painful” the finale is about to be.
Blake is the first one to propose to Becca, unfortunately signaling that he will be the one to get rejected. While sweating up a storm, Blake gives a really cute monologue about how much he loves her and how excited he is for their future. Becca gives her final breakup speech of the season, telling him that their relationship was so constant that she overlooked other relationships, but that there’s one other relationship she can’t let go of yet. It’s brutal, and Blake goes off to cry into a towel while Becca goes off to cry in a forest.
My love life in a nutshell. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/sEmJjRWB6O
— Seth Blair (@psethb) August 7, 2018
At the viewing party, Blake joins Chris Harrison on the couch, and Chris Harrison mercilessly grills him about his time on the show. Becca comes out to talk to him and shares that Blake being in his head a lot made her worry about their future together. What? She worried that he would have the same anxiety if one of their future children were to get sick. It’s not really closure, and it’s pretty bad reasoning in comparing “Bachelorette”-related stress to anything in the real world, but Blake still remains classy. He tells her how lucky he was that she was his Bachelorette.
#TheBachelorette she can always go back and pick Blake. That's a thing now. pic.twitter.com/y90EnGiDjK
— Elyse Blair (@ElyseMiltenburg) August 7, 2018
So you’re telling me Blake getting “in his head” during a process where your girlfriend has other boyfriends is a red flag but Garrett only being married for two months isn’t a red flag? Lol ok Becca #TheBachelorette #TheBacheloretteFinale
— Laige Pindsey 🌌 (@iironicaa) August 7, 2018
Back in the Maldives, Becca tears up talking about Garrett to the camera. Garrett comes and proposes, and Becca of course accepts. They both say, “I love you.” It’d all be incredibly cute and romantic if there weren’t a huge asterisk to Garrett.
Oh you did the damn thing alright, Becca. THE. WRONG. DAMN. THING. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/sHOexNFitU
— Erin (@erb2371) August 7, 2018
becca no
— John Mulaney (@mulaney) August 7, 2018
The happy couple comes out to the viewing party stage, still very much in love. You can see how happy they are to be together, and not just because Becca points out how much of her lipstick is still on his face. Chris Harrison finally brings up the Instagram controversy, which Garrett apologizes for again.
Garrett never talks about whether he believes in the very conservative viewpoint the Instagram posts convey and instead just apologizes for how it has affected Becca. As far as apologies go, it’s mediocre and glosses over the fact that the posts reflected a hurtful, intolerant view that Garrett himself may believe in.
Apologies are just words until people put in the work. I’m still not convinced he knows why those memes are so hurtful and I’m pissed we still have no answers on Lincoln. #TheBachelorette
— Ashley Spivey (@AshleySpivey) August 7, 2018
When talking about the future, Becca hints that they’ll probably move to California in the next few years, surprising no one. Chris Harrison surprises the happy couple not just with a trip to Thailand, but also with a minivan that makes Becca absurdly excited. The girl just wants to go to Costco with her man!
give whatever @BachelorInterns slapped a @HRC sticker on the van a raise #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/8Wxcb8uPZY
— marissa (taylor's version) (@MarissaSaysWhat) August 7, 2018
This season has had too many controversies in the real world for the audience to be entertained in the “Bachelor” bubble, a place where people can be engaged after five dates and believe that Richmond, Virginia, is an aphrodisiac city. The only remedy after watching a brutal heartbreak — and realizing that the winner is someone who may believe that the survivors of the Parkland shooting were crisis actors — is to hold out until tomorrow, when “Bachelor in Paradise” premieres and Grocery Store Joe graces our televisions with his presence once again.
