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Administration tells parents not to worry — it's just a Phase

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AUGUST 07, 2018

With increasing reports of student stress due to difficulties with class enrollment, the campus released a statement encouraging parents not to worry.

“It’s just a Phase,” wrote Chancellor Carol Christ in an email sent earlier today. “Specifically Phase II, sure, but why do you think we called it that?”

The UC Berkeley administration argued that parents should have previously experienced a somewhat similar “phase” in their children’s teenage years.

“Let’s face it,” added Christ. “Some of the students probably still haven’t gotten out of that angsty time of their lives, even with many of them being out of their teens.”

Over the summer, Berkeley students choose their classes for the 2018 fall semester with the ability to enroll in a certain number of units at a designated time for their phases. Phase II, which began July 23, allows UC Berkeley undergraduate students to enroll in up to 17.5 units.

“The students should’ve gotten used to this by now,” continued Christ. “They went through Phase I just a few months ago.”

Enrollment in classes is a big deal to continuing UC Berkeley students, but it is often difficult to get into some popular classes, and even some mandatory prerequisites required for some majors.

Some students report that CalCentral wasn’t even working properly during their Phase II, with long loading times on otherwise working internet connections.

Christ responded to those reports by claiming that people could have some extra time to “relax and take it nice and easy” while the system lagged out, and that the lag was an “intended feature.”

Even beyond technical difficulties, there have been recurring complaints about the difficulty to get into classes, especially classes required for graduation.

“Yes, it might define the entirety of a student’s semester, but they’ll get over it,” said Christ. “Besides, students will have to go through the full cycle again for next semester!”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected] .

AUGUST 07, 2018