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UC Berkeley students' heroic efforts can't stop CalCentral from crashing

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Special Issues Editor

JULY 26, 2018

On this annual System Administrator Appreciation Day, UC Berkeley students are rallying together to do the unthinkable. For today, and today only, UC Berkeley students are going to keep from using CalCentral too much in order to keep the system from crashing. With Phase II enrollment underway, the world is in anticipation of whether or not the students can actually accomplish the impossible.

CalCentral is truly infamous for its multiple website crashes throughout the school year, specifically during times of enrollment. With students constantly logging in to see if they are removed from waitlists, getting their financial aid, or actually enrolled at UC Berkeley, the system administrators have been hard at work to get CalCentral running as smoothly as possible. Although the system administrators are strong, UC Berkeley students always prove to be stronger. Today, however, UC Berkeley students are hopeful of minimizing traffic on the website by filling out Wejoinins in order to schedule set five-minute windows for students to log in and use CalCentral.

“I’m really excited for this. We’re really working all 365 days a year to make sure the system doesn’t crash. I haven’t had a break in years! Having a day off is the only thing I ask. Hell, even an hour off would be great,” said system administrator Bob Dunkin in an interview with Clog reporters.

With system administrators constantly at work, some have even moved into their offices, many of which are smaller than Unit 2 triples. With office spaces inhabited by five system administrators each, it is put into question why UC Berkeley has not upgraded the space to be livable.

“We don’t even have running water sometimes. If the higher-ups would just put in a fraction of what they put into militarizing the school, we could do our jobs a lot better. We could even lower our numbers to one to two crashes a day,” revealed a noticeably tired system administrator.

Clog reporters have confirmed that system administrators live worse lives than EECS majors. With smells very pungent and the only source of light coming from computer screens, our reporters had to leave the scene quickly because of health hazards.

“I’m hopeful that the students will pull through. I mean, if they go to UC Berkeley, is there really anything they can’t do?” commented another system administrator, Gru Carell, while almost falling asleep during the interview.

Although hopes are, indeed, very high that UC Berkeley students can pull this off, it has already been reported that CalCentral has crashed at least 27 times in the span of an hour.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Joyce Cam is the blog editor. Contact Joyce Cam at [email protected].

JULY 27, 2018