It’s probably going to get us all at one point. It’s the great Berkeley housing crisis, where a cramped two-bedroom studio apartment can easily go for more than $3,000. Not quite the ideal living situation that already cash-strapped students were going for. But fear not — the Clog is here to alleviate your subletting blues. Need ways to get rid of the burden of that jaw-dropping rent? Check out this list.
- Turn your makeshift home into an Airbnb
Whether you live in a car, a school bus or a roadside shanty you share with three other students, the scarce and expensive housing in the city of Berkeley will have desperate citizens and bright-eyed tourists alike knocking on all of your doors. Rent that baby out, sacrifice a few nights in Memorial Glade or People’s Park and watch that cash roll in. Because you’re in Berkeley, you can even charge the premium rate of $1,500 per month (even higher than UC Berkeley’s financial aid allotment for off-campus housing)!
- Help that one shady professor deal [insert strange yet desirable item here] to students
Hey, you need money. It’s a win-win-win situation, because whatever those students are buying from a professor is bound to help them in some way. But that’s none of our business.
- Beg your parents
They thought they’d seen the last of you. They thought they’d washed their hands of your financial woes for the last time. They thought. Nope, you’re back, back, back again! And you’re here to ask for a handout so you won’t be scrambling to piece together money earned from a side job you juggle in the midst of classes, relationships and sanity again this month.
- Call up your main man Nicholas Dirks for his financial expertise
This man single-handedly had a $700,000 fence built around his house (with university funds), had a $9,000 escape hatch built near his office (with university funds), had a $270,000 “strategic profile” made to better his reputation with donors (with university funds), was paid a $434,000 salary for an academic year he wasn’t on campus, misused thousands of dollars of university money and still made it out with a $237,000 teaching salary. If anyone knows how to finesse UC Berkeley for all it’s got, it’s Dirks. He’ll rub off some of his money magic on you and soon you can give Berkeley a run for its money! Rent will be the last problem on your mind then, that’s for sure.
- Live in a recycling bin
They’re cute, compact and you don’t have to share them with anyone! Plus, it’ll finally give you initiative to recycle all those plastic bottles and cans. Just toss them anywhere in your humble abode and you’re golden. And the extra change from dropping them off at recycling centers doesn’t hurt, either.
- Camp out in REI
You can choose from tents, fancy tents and tents you can park your car in! If the employees never see you, they can never get rid of you. You’ll be living rent-free and worry-free. And you’ll have an endless supply of Clif Bars at your disposal. Now that’s what we call living your best life.
Worst case scenario, you can always rob a bank or something. Jail has free food, shelter and a semiprivate bathroom! Think about it.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.