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Families seen falling asleep during commencement

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MAY 14, 2018

Dozens of families were seen falling asleep at UC Berkeley’s spring 2018 general commencement. From siblings to parents to family pets, there were drowsy eyes everywhere. 

“In my defense,” said proud parent Horatio Chen between yawns, “it was a long drive — a whole two hours! With it being the weekend too, traffic was awful.”

Audible snoring could be heard throughout California Memorial Stadium during the speech by the keynote speaker, Chancellor Carol Christ. However, the snores served as an awkward counterpoint to the applause that punctuated her inspiring words.

“It’s like actually teaching all over again,” Christ said.

Experts report that UC Berkeley alumni who attended were almost three times more likely to have slept through commencement than any other group in attendance.

“I don’t know what happened,” said parent Elena Gibson, a UC Berkeley alumna who had to be woken up to give her statement. “I know I should be proud of my child, and I am, but being back here again just brought back some really, really bad habits.”

Unconfirmed sources revealed that Gibson had been one of Christ’s students who would sleep through lecture regularly. 

A 3-month-old baby was, ironically, the only one among all six members of one family who was able to stay awake throughout the ceremony. A nearby 8-year-old was also heard loudly asking if he could leave.

Neither set of parents responded to requests for a statement, as they had fallen into a deep sleep.

“Does everyone actually walk in the ceremony?” Gibson asked. “I mean, why do I need to sit through hours of people talking? I just want to see my son, Gibby Gibson, receive his degree. They really should cut out the middleman.”

Gibson further suggested that future commencements should just be closed from the public and live-streamed instead. 

“It would save a lot of time and energy! We could just skip through all the boring stuff and watch what we really came here for,” Gibson said.

At press time, Christ took a selfie with the crowd upon realizing that all of the guests had fallen asleep.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].

MAY 14, 2018