This just in: UC Berkeley announces new machines added to the weight room of the Recreational Sports Facility, or RSF, for students to get “swole fingers” in preparation for competitive Phase Ones.

Perhaps more stressful than running to get a blue book 10 minutes before a midterm, class registration gets every student’s adrenaline pumping. Not even John Krasinski’s “A Quiet Place” holds the stress-inducing power that registration has over each Golden Bear. And the most difficult enrollment? Phase One.

Chancellor Christ spoke out about this issue. “Students blame this institution for getting waitlisted from the classes they need. In reality, it’s the students’ faults for not getting into the classes they want. They’re just too slow!” Christ said.

The solution? Faster reflexes and stronger muscles.

The head of the RSF described the gym’s newest addition: “We’ve added various machines that will work out students’ hands, in addition to two simulation rooms that will help students mentally prepare for Phase One. I think this is the best allocation of university funds this school has seen since the creation of Oski.”

While just two simulation rooms aren’t enough for every single UC Berkeley student to get a turn, the head of the RSF explained, “It’s a step in the right direction. Don’t be alarmed when you see students leaving the RSF with swole fingers. It might make holding pencils difficult with all those enhanced muscles, but they’re sure to click ‘enroll’ a whole lot faster. After all, that’s what matters, right?”

The new machines mark a turning point for enrollment periods for all UC Berkeley students. Prior to their implementation, getting waitlisted from required classes made up UC Berkeley culture. Phase One became “The Hunger Games” of class enrollment, but a version in which everybody loses. 

One of UC Berkeley’s academic advisors commented, “It certainly makes my job a lot easier. Instead of students waiting three hours to speak with me because of registration fiascos, we can probably cut the wait time down to a fresh two hours and 54 minutes. Talk about innovation!”

With happy faculty and students, it’s a wonder that UC Berkeley didn’t think of this sooner. This really is the stuff that makes UC Berkeley objectively better than Stanfurd.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.