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Excuses to stop ASUC people from following you to class

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APRIL 01, 2018

As ASUC elections come around, a new breed of flyerer is about to be unleashed onto Sproul Plaza. Some of the most evolved and advanced flyerers in existence, these rabid creatures will soon inevitably emerge from the hyperbolic time chamber that is the nuclear wasteland of UC Berkeley. It starts with the Facebook profile pictures and steadily spreads until there are hordes of them on Sproul, ready and eager to prey upon unsuspecting students walking to class. You might even spot some of your closest friends in the mob. To some extent, these unholy monsters are still also students just like us, and we at the Clog will teach you how to take advantage of that key weakness in order to get rid of them: by acknowledging humanity and talking to them. We’ve even given you their likely responses.

The standard polite refusal  

You can’t just channel your usual Anti-Flyer-Defense.exe against these beasts as they inevitably follow you across Sproul. A polite “No, thank you!” is no longer the golden standard that will ward away these unusual pests, even assuming you can get the gentle rejection out in time. They are hyperevolved past being mere flyerers, and will stop at nothing to get through with their spiel! Times have changed, and so must we; a new strategy must be found.

“My class is on the other end of campus…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll just walk with you partway! You definitely want to hear all about-” Damn it.

“I don’t plan on voting”

Oh dear. Get ready for the lecture about the importance of this election and how all of the student body will be affected (positively) by this event. Just another thing to add to the list of things you’re going to have to listen to in addition to the standard “Vote for MY candidate” spiel. Although you can also take advantage of this and finally figure out what on earth the ASUC does. Does anyone really know?

“I’m actually a big fan of your candidate!”

Didn’t your parents ever teach you that lying is bad?

“Oh, I’m already supporting someone else :(”

Though it’ll be a bit awkward for both of you, this will most likely work. These hardcore ASUC campaigners are dedicated to their cause, and they shouldn’t be able to help but to have some nominal respect for another proponent of their rabid cause, even one who is off-duty and of another party. You might be required to actually know which candidate is which if you try this excuse.

Treat it like a zombie apocalypse

Ah, fuck it — just run.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].

APRIL 02, 2018