daily californian logo


Apply to The Daily Californian!

Fruits remain at unprecedented rate, Cal Dining suspicious

article image


We're an independent student-run newspaper, and need your support to maintain our coverage.

MARCH 11, 2018

This week, locals gathered outside of Crossroads in light of an unprecedented dining hall snag: a towering overabundance of vitamin C.

Since the beginning of the school year, the dining halls have posted signs requesting that students be considerate and take only one fruit. After further investigation, however, it became clear that the purpose of these signs was misunderstood.

“It’s only a formality, you know,” explained one employee. “We can’t be openly endorsing mindless fruit theft. But of course, each and every one of us hopes that these students stock up when we aren’t looking. Our students’ health comes first, and declining inventories help us keep track of their consumption.”

“I have three kids myself,” added another. “I’d hate to think they’re dissipating meal points on Phish Food and fermented beverages. … I think they call it Kombucha?”

It doesn’t end at oranges. Cal Dining managers have complained about an absurd number of leftover apples and bananas as well.

Other employees expressed concerns that students simply aren’t making it to the dining halls at all. They have not ruled out the theory that in the midst of UC Berkeley’s never-ending Midterm Season, most students stuff their backpack with GBC quesadillas and camp out in Main Stacks all day long. It is not unreasonable that on-campus libraries are Crossroads’ biggest competitors.

It’s not only health issues that are leaving members of the dining community exasperated.

“It’s the principle. Our fruits aren’t in as high demand as we had hoped, but that’s OK. What’s really unsettling, however, is this break in consistency. Dwindling fruit supplies due to excessive swiping is all we’ve ever known. Something’s not right, and the peace has been disturbed.”

Some individuals working within the dining halls are extremely disheartened and feel that the order within Cal may never be restored.

“Does ‘Go Bears’ mean anything to anyone anymore?”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Shaked Salem at [email protected].

MARCH 11, 2018