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Clog report: Student gets laptop stolen while reading article about stolen laptops

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MARCH 02, 2018

After last week’s string of laptop thefts, multiple laptops were stolen from customers at the popular coffee shop Caffe Strada on Monday. One of the victims, a local Berkeley student, was reported to have been reading an article about stolen laptops at the time of the theft.

The student had been browsing through Facebook for the past few minutes, on a brief procrastination break, according to Lt. Austin Oski of Berkeley Police Department.

“Multiple witnesses reported the student quietly giggling over what was probably a meme,” Oski said. “They then heard the student unconsciously mutter out loud, ‘Man, that would suck!’ presumably as they opened the stolen laptops article, just before the thefts happened.”

Hooded figures were seen entering the cafe at 6 p.m., and shortly afterward, laptops were stolen from three different patrons before the perpetrators were seen running outside into a waiting vehicle, the ever-persistent Nixle Timely Warning email said.

A correction email was issued soon after the initial alert to include the unfortunate and ironic circumstances of one of the thefts.

Several customers, including the student, leapt up immediately and chased the thieves outside but were unable to apprehend the perpetrators in time. The student reportedly fell over laughing upon realizing the irony of the situation.

“I mean, you couldn’t ask for more perfect timing,” the student said. “It’s like a big fat L just fell out of the sky and hit me in the face.”

The thieves realized this as well, sources say, as they took stock of their inventory and noticed the open news tab about laptop thefts.

“And you won’t believe this,” said one of the hooded figures, who asked not to be named because of privacy concerns. “The article was on our run from last week!”

The student shortly received a text from their own Facebook account reading “lul sry bruh this was sum awk timing.”

At press time, all of the customers at the cafe at the time of the thefts had agreed that this was a sign from the universe that it was just meant to be and that the student’s laptop was probably cursed or something.

Please note, this is a satirical article and is purely for your entertainment.

Contact Jonathan Lai at [email protected].

MARCH 02, 2018