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No cars, just coffee: What to do with lottery prize money

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OCTOBER 17, 2017

The California MEGA Millions Lottery prize amount this last weekend was a casual 21.5 million dollars. While we slept through a chance to enter the lottery ourselves, we can’t help but daydream about what we would do with all of that money. Considering we’ve been #ballin on a #budget for the last four years of our lives, we at the Clog have got some pretty wild ways we would spend all that dough. Before we go any further though, all you stats majors out there can just relax. We don’t want to know how low the odds of us winning are. We assume that they’re roughly equivalent to the chances of us ever being productive on a Friday night. 

First things first, we would march right down to Sproul Hall and go directly to the financial aid office. Do not pass “Go.” Do not collect $200. Not that we’re sweating it, we’ve got more than $20 million smackers, so ya’ll can keep your couple of Benjamins. We would completely disregard the four and a half hour wait and slap down our tuition in cold, hard, cash. Then we’d make it rain all of the money we owe in student loans. After our absolute scene on Sproul, we’d call whoever the heck is in charge over at FAFSA and tell them to please never bother us again. We’d also let them know that we think “FAFSA” is the lamest acronym we’ve ever heard and it’s no wonder everyone drags them on Twitter.

After liberating ourselves from the dead weight of debt, we would make our way to the nearest change machine and just go in on the quarters. Never again will we need to scramble to scrounge up four dollars worth of quarters to do our laundry. Gone are the days when we have to factor the cost of laundry into our budget. We would get at least $175,000 worth of quarters or however many it takes to fill up the entire laundromat. We want to get enough quarter to be able to do laundry every day, twice a day, for the rest of our lives. The world hasn’t been shook by this much George Washington since FDR did his whole Mount Rushmore unveiling thing way back when. 

After we finished running from the U.S. Mint, we’d go to every coffee shop in a 10-mile radius and get 60 $100 gift cards at each establishment. This way, we can leech off their wifi in clear conscience like the fine and outstanding citizens that we are. Then we’d bribe whoever manages the Moffitt Library study room reservation system to rig it so that we’ll have a room reserved from now until the end of eternity. 

Lastly, we would take we would take the remainder of our money and go buy more lottery tickets. 

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].

OCTOBER 16, 2017