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What campus squirrels think of students returning to UC Berkeley

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SEPTEMBER 04, 2017

Oh, UC Berkeley students, how we love you so. We love the Golden Bear Cafe burritos you leave for us and your gullibility when it comes to sacrificing the contents of the bottom of your Doritos bags for our tiny stomachs. While we sometimes fear you when you sneak up on us and attempt to put one of those Snapchat filters over our chubby faces, we can’t help but love the attention and excitedly wait for your return to our humble abode. So, without further ado, here’s what we have to say about you returning to school.

Our least favorite part about you students returning to our stomping grounds has to be the true devil of the human world — Snapchat (yes, we know what it is, and we’re onto you). We get it, we’re cute. And yes, we love the attention. But that doesn’t mean you can go around sticking cameras in our innocent faces just to show all of your friends back home how adorable our chubby cheeks are. How would you feel if we did the same to you? Sure, we enjoy the dog-sticking-its-tongue-out filter as much as the next squirrel, but come on, we’re adorable enough already. We don’t want to be basic too.

While the constant paparazzi can get annoying, one thing that never gets old thanks to all of you returning back to school is the leftover food. We’re UC Berkeley squirrels, and that means stupid stuff likes nuts and leaves are way off our radar. We’re true foodies, and we only appreciate the culinary fine arts of GBC. The more humans there are, the longer the lines are at GBC, and therefore the more grub for us. No, we’re not condoning littering (we live on this Earth too), but as long as you throw your burrito bowls and salads into the proper receptacle — and leave a bit of extra guac behind — we’re all for it. Plus, nothing’s better than a cold, half-bitten-into tortilla that’s been soaked in sour cream for a couple of hours — trust us. We appreciate your small appetites and stupidity when it comes to wasting your food, but hey, more for us!

Lastly, we can’t help but be excited that we get to work our puppy-like charm on thousands of fresh and unknowing faces. You may have seen a squirrel, but you’ve never met a UC Berkeley squirrel. We like to get up close and personal, and our favorite part is seeing your reactions. If anything, you’re probably more scared of us than we are of you. And that’s when you succumb to handing us the rest of your granola bar or bag of pretzels. Bingo.

So, fellow UC Berkeley dwellers, we’re really excited that you’ve returned. You make us fatter, and therefore happier, and for that, we thank you.

Contact Chloe Lelchuk at [email protected].

SEPTEMBER 03, 2017