Kids are, ahem, an acquired taste. If you’re like some of us at the Clog, you’ll know exactly what we mean about the unsettling feeling you get when you’re suddenly thrust into a situation in which kids are crawling all over you much to your dismay and disgust (or y’know, maybe your awkwardness just gets the best of you). That’s why we’ve come up with a handy-dandy how-to on shedding yourself of your child-filled nightmares.

The number one problem people who dislike kids face is that the kids like them. How do you deal with a kid that likes you? Just try to pretend they don’t exist until the little heathens leave you alone.

Or if that doesn’t work and you don’t want to get on their bad side, plaster a fake smile on your face and continue what you’re doing while tending to their attention needs every now and then (they’ll have to leave eventually).

Who knows, maybe you will get on their bad side and they’ll finally stop bothering you!

If the kid is on the younger side, say under 2 or 3, baby talk and high-pitched praise generally does the job. If they respond well, continue and pop in every now and then and play along with whatever it is they’re doing. If not, abort mission.

Kids are still learning, right? And you’re probably old enough to know things they don’t, right? Well, call us professor! Whether it’s colors, shapes or advanced mathematics, try to teach them a new thing! They’re bound to eventually get bored and will probably leave you alone for the rest of time if you keep doing it (trust us, it works, unless they actually like colors – blehhh).

Sometimes you just need to think like a kid and give them what they want the most. If you guessed love and affection, you’re wrong! It’s FOOD. It’s tried and true and it works on us too. They’ll be pretty occupied gorging themselves like normal human beings while you sneak out the back door.

If all else fails, take a rule out of their own handbook: tattling. If you see a kid doing something they’re not supposed to do, run to the nearest adult screaming about what the kid did. They’ll know you’re a force to be reckoned with (but you’ll probably make their (s)hit list, so … ).

Never again will you have to worry about dropping the baby when it’s thrust into your noodle arms! Well, probably a little. We hope we Cloggers have helped you ward off the little gremlins (and children, too)!