After finals, every UC Berkeley student lets out a sigh of relief. All the stress of the year is finally over and only the sweet sunshine of summer awaits us. Yet, having three months of emptiness can be daunting for students whose lives are marked by goals. So, what do we do to fill the post-semester void? Make summer resolutions, of course! We all usually have the same ideas every year, but just like New Year’s resolutions, most of these end up in the trash before Memorial Day hits. So, to stop you from making these broken resolutions (or to challenge you to prove us wrong!) we at the Clog have devised a list of doomed summer aspirations.

Lose weight/Bulk up

Of course this had to be the first one. The idea of the “summer bod” has been drilled into your head ever since you set eyes on a television. Even if you’re happy with your body, you always think it wouldn’t hurt to shape up for those beach days. And while the first few days may be ridden with workouts, protein shakes and green juices, these habits begin to slowly be pushed off the schedule. In their places are days taken up by partying with friends, binging Netflix or sleeping in. We’re not saying that this goal is doomed to fail or that transforming into a summer sloth is bad. Just be prepared to have some major dedication if you want to stick to this one.

Treat your temple right

After all the Coachella partying and finals ripping your soul apart, you may find that you need to heal your sorry self. This means a total detox. No more alcohol, smoking or late-night partying. From here on out, the only thing you’ll be taking a hit of is that sweet meditation music. But beware, as Instagram photos, Snapchats and endless invites can drive you from this path of perfection. But one kickback won’t kill you, right? I think your self-help podcast would agree.

Keep in touch

This resolution is a doozy because it can apply not only to your UC Berkeley friends, but to all of your friends back home as well. You can’t even count the number of times you’ve said, “I’ll text you when I’m around!” As soon as those words escape your mouth, guilt begins to pester you. But not anymore! This summer, you’ll be sure to Skype and text your old roommate everyday and hang out with all of your old high school friends again. But you forgot something. As soon as you step into your humble abode, the summer sloth begins to emerge within you. It consumes every ounce of motivation to do anything in order to sate its endless appetite. That determination to stay in touch is instead regurgitated in the form of a meaningless Snapchat of your (adorable) dog with the text, “Miss you!”

Read more

This past semester, you probably read over 600 pages collectively. Yet, out of all those novels, none of them were for leisure. What happened to the joy of reading you used to have as a child? Why does the only reading you do have to revolve around the mitochondria (the powerhouse of the cell) or the Industrial Revolution? It’s time to say, “No more!” Pick a novel up off your untouched bookshelf and get cracking. Read as much as you can while the fire of motivation still burns hot within you. It won’t be long until your attention span gives up and opts for your phone instead. And just like in Toy Story, the book will return to the shelf, only to resume collecting a blanket of dust. Who knows, maybe you’ll finish it by the time you graduate.

So be warned, Golden Bears! These resolutions have been known to fail in the past, so don’t fall victim to the summer sloth.