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How to succeed amid the madness of March

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MARCH 10, 2017

Madness. Mania. Mayhem. March. All those triggering ‘M’ words probably had you waiting for the dreaded mention of midterms, but we’re referring to something much more important. March Madness. 

With the tournament bracket being announced this Sunday, you’ve still got a hot minute to conduct a few quick Google searches to become an expert in the world of college hoops. Before you begin your undoubtedly comprehensive literature review, we at the Clog have a few key points for you to keep in mind going into the round of 64.

The first pro tip we have to offer is that confidence is key when dealing with your competitors. Never mind the fact that you don’t know which school is in which conference, or the name any of the mascots. You once accidentally tapped the ESPN story on the Snapchat explore page, so you’re pretty much as qualified as they come. Your lack of knowledge on the rules and regulations of college hoops is irrelevant. What’s important is that you’re ready to destroy the competition with all of your masterful picks and predictions. 

Now that we’ve established your definite and utter mastery of the field, let’s handle how you should convey your plan for total world domination. The most effective and considerate form of communication in any sort of competition is unbridled smack talk. How much smack talk is too much smack talk, you ask? No such thing.

Since all bets are off, you’re free to lay into the serfs who foolishly believe they stand a chance against your expertise. Tell your doomed opponents that your grandma has a better bracket than they do. Let them know that their Sweet 16 is an embarrassment to the institution of basketball and their elite 8 is an abomination to Holy Land of hoops. Subtly whisper that none of their Final Four picks will make it past the first round while they’re sleeping so that they have nightmares about their inevitable failure. 

Three years ago, Warren Buffett offered an astounding $1 billion to anyone who could pick a perfect bracket in the 2014 tournament. While this offer may seem shocking, it wasn’t the last time that the world’s second-richest person got in on the March Madness fun. A couple of weeks ago, Buffett announced that any Berkshire Hathaway employee that can correctly pick the Sweet 16 will win $1 million a year for life. A million dollars every year for life? You bet we’re here for it. 

Forget our college educations, we’re dropping out today to become entry-level Berkshire Hathaway employees to get our winning bracket in the group. We won’t need titration and annotated bibliographies once we’re living on Buffett’s dime. Book the book tour and Lifetime biopic on our rise to fame, ladies and gents. You heard it hear first, we’re about to cop a fortune every year until the day we die. 

Contact Amanda Chung at [email protected].

MARCH 10, 2017