St. Valentine’s Day. For some, this is a day filled with romantic love, fine chocolate, blissful tears of joy and anything but saint-like behaviors. For others, such as us as the Clog, V-Day will be an alarming day filled with drinking, sobbing, over-eating and, most significantly, reaching out to our exes.

The ex is a figure we’ve all faced. Despite their position in our pasts, this entity often has the tendency to reappear in our minds around Valentine’s Day. Though most logical, emotionally stable and practical people would advise you against reaching out to these folks mid-February, we at the Clog say nay to status quo yet again.

Whip out your phones and warm up your phalanges, for we have prepared a comprehensive guide of what exactly to text your ex tomorrow.

For the ex who dumped you for being “crazy”

“Hey, I know you broke up with me for breaking into your house after you canceled our plans to visit your grandma at the senior home, but I was wondering if you wanted get Yogurt Park tonight?”

We know, it seems like breaking and entering might be a crime from which you can’t possibly recover. False. With the right proposition and attitude, your ex won’t hold on to your previous mildly psychotic behaviors. We promise. Plus, Yo-Po is irresistible.

For the ex that dumped you because “it’s not you, it’s me”

“Greetings, I know you said it wasn’t me, it was you, so I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to see ‘The Notebook’ tonight? Before we hooked up I remembered you saying how much you loved Nicholas Sparks.”

Ah, the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” line. Well, we at the Clog can’t help but wonder what exactly YOU mean. Plus, V-Day is perfect for earth-shattering romance movies, right?

For the ex that you dumped but said you both could “still be friends”

“Evening, I know I always yelled at you for loving me too much, but are you free on Tuesday? I really want don’t want to go to the John Mayer concert alone, and we’re still friends, right?”

Oh, the epitome of all breakup closers, the “let’s still be friends” line. This is the crap that we all spit in attempts to not make it awkward whenever we run into our exes. Yet, we at Clog recommend you take these words to heart and reach out. Plus, “Your Body is Wonderland” is radically depressing as a lone ranger.

With all of these killer ex-text ideas in mind, who wouldn’t want to hit up the lad or lady that broke your heart (or vice versa) this Tuesday? After all, isn’t it better to be hot and bothered with company?