Dear Once Bitten, Twice Shy,

Albert Einstein described insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And while Albert is far less intelligent than I am, I’ll have to agree with him on this one. In the realm of romance, in which Al presumably is more experienced than myself, anyone who’s ever gone back to someone that has genuinely hurt them in the past should be labeled as insane and treated accordingly.

I’m not saying that you should never talk to someone over microtransgressions such as taking over four hours to respond to a text or forgetting to bring reusable bags when going grocery shopping – although those are also annoying habits that you should nip in the bud immediately. I’m talking about bigger issues or incidents that have caused a legitimate breakup at one time or another, after which you’ve purposefully and shamefully allowed the traitor back into your heart.

You need to leave this loser behind and never look back. If you’ve been mistreated in the past, it’s time you, as the all-knowing Snoop Dogg once told us, drop it like it’s hot.

Don’t even start with the excuses on their behalf. You claim your honey boo messed up just this once and they’ll never do it again. Newsflash: This isn’t the MLB, people. Three strikes is three too many in this zero-tolerance zone. It doesn’t matter if they’ll never hurt you again for as long as you live and well into the afterlife. I don’t care if Buddha himself has personally promised that you’ll come back from the dead as a tiger while your formally beloved is bound to the rest of eternity as a dandelion.

What’s done is done, and no amount of future promises of good behavior or harmlessness will make up for the fact that they once forgot how you deserve to be treated. If they had the audacity to forget that you’re worthy of respect, it’s time for you to forget about them. Because on the comprehensive list of things we don’t have time for, being disrespected ranks as numbers one, two and three.

Your illogical determination to hold on to someone who has hurt you in the past is about as attractive as the midterms that quarter system losers are taking this week. Have you ever fondly looked back on the time that you sizzled your fingertip on the stovetop and longed to grab the nearest hot cast iron skillet? Yeah, I didn’t think you had. Because holding on to something that’s burned you in the past is just plain stupid.

Deep down, some part of you has got to know that returning to the same offender makes for a doomed relationship. Stop repeatedly putting yourself in a situation that allows for future heartache. Get your poop in a group, pick your pride up off the floor and leave this loser in the dust.

I personally can recognize trouble when I see it coming and make a conscious decision to step out of its way. For this exact reason, I’ve never enrolled in Computer Science 61A because I already know it’ll do me dirty. Similarly, I’ve never encouraged a friend to give it another go with someone that’s already proven themselves unworthy.

Save yourself the trouble, and just get out of there while you’ve got a good excuse.

I don’t want to hear about how you can justify their past offenses with all the great times you’ve had together in the past. I don’t give a flying fadoodle about the nice picnic you once had together at Dolores Park, and I care even less about what quirky and thoughtful gift the repeat offender got you for Christmas.

Experiences of the past don’t necessarily equate to happiness in the present or future. There are plenty of things in life that were once acceptable that we’ve long since forgotten. Lead-based paint, for instance, is a great example of a present day no-go. Just because something was good once doesn’t mean it’ll be good forever, so those sweet gestures are now rendered irrelevant.

Let’s not forget the perks of being a lone ranger. The freedom that you gain from ditching the insignificant other that once hurt you is something our country’s founding fathers could only dream of. And don’t even start with that “I need them in my life. … They complete me. … They’re the Drano to my hairball” crap. If you need a bae that badly, just head south until you hit that massive body of water chilling by the airport. That should quench your thirst for the time being.

While I acknowledge that I am the single most underqualified individual to give anyone love advice, I really believe that if humans were meant to be that dependent on someone else, we all would’ve been born as conjoined twins. Seeing as how that’s not the case, there’s no need to take the buddy system so seriously (members of Noah’s Ark and second-grade field trips excluded). Reclaim your missing independence from the deadweight in your life, and drop it like it’s hot.