Contrary to popular belief, building one’s resume requires almost no effort at all. Kids these days are striving to have a list of accomplishments longer than the line for a Clipper card at the start of the school year, when all they need is proper perspective.
It’s easy to take your day-to-day successes and spin them into resume-worthy accomplishments. Forget about applying to internships or getting accepted into Haas School of Business. Disregard your GPA and stop stressing about the upcoming round of finals. We at the Clog can guarantee that you’ve already accomplished plenty of impressive feats to display your over-qualification for any job.
It’s best to start with the basics when assembling your overwhelming list of talents. This way, your future employers won’t have a stroke from amazement too early on. Start by boasting about your remarkable ability to multitask with ease. For example, you’ve been breathing and blinking since the moment you left your mother’s birth canal. You shot out of there accomplishing more than any plant will in its entire life. You were born with the innate talent to accomplish crucial tasks simultaneously.
Not only have you nailed the breathing and blinking thing, but you can also regulate your body temperature and digest food without giving it a second thought. Sure, some people may call this homeostasis, but for resume purposes it shall be known as, “successfully juggling important assignments in high pressure situations.” Where does the urgency come from? The fact that failure to carry out some of these jobs would result in death.
Once your future employers wrap their minds around the fact that you’re constantly defeating death, hit them with the idea that you’re also a local hero. You picked up a piece of litter back in 2008 to beautify the city and clean up the streets. It’s important to mention that you took the time out of a busy day, sacrificing your own life, to care for others around you. Your selfless acts of kindness and community involvement have not only made you worthy of a position as mayor, but also illustrates your ability to be a team player. This way, your resume will show how truly selfless you are and how you’ll contribute to the workplace as a whole.
On the off chance that your wicked multitasking skills and noble deeds aren’t enough to clinch your spot as CEO, mention that, just last month, you were a part of the Berkeley Project. This will provide further evidence of you passionately caring about the city and being deeply involved in a local philanthropic scene, once again securing the job you’re applying for while laying the groundwork for your campaign for mayor of Berkeley.
Toward the end of your resume, list your ability to type as an advantageous quality and explain how most oceanic mammals are incapable of such tasks. That’ll knock their socks off and grant you a promotion right off the bat.