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What would Dirks do?

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JANUARY 18, 2017

It’s tough to be the chancellor. Each day presents a new set of challenges and problems to solve, along with the traditional duties of the job. We at the Clog have come up with a list of tasks we think the chancellor might need to complete each day. Think you have what it takes to replace Chancellor Nicholas Dirks?

Shopping for Oski’s new cardigan

As Oski’s closest friend and partner, it’s up to the chancellor to ensure that UC Berkeley’s favorite bear remains sharply dressed at all times. This is no easy task. Oski is very particular about his sweaters — they have to fit just right and be the correct shades of blue and gold (Berkeley Blue and California Gold, of course). The shipping alone takes up almost half of the public funds.

Scouting future secret escape hatch locations

It wasn’t long before we discovered the current escape hatch, rendering it all but useless. To ensure that there’s always a way out of the office, the chancellor must inspect new sites for a potential escape hatch. We at the Clog suggest staking out Top Dog — the perfect location for Chancellor Dirks to reenter the city and grab a snack on his way out.

Browsing UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens 

Of course, the chancellor should also stay up-to-date with the student body and their opinions. That’s why Chancellor Dirks spends time each morning browsing UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens with his morning coffee, just like all of us at the Daily Cal. What better way to keep up with the climate of the university than by checking out its memes?

The chancellorship is a demanding job. It requires a person who is willing to work long hours and complete arduous (and often strange) tasks. Don’t underestimate Dirks — he works a lot harder than we may think.

Contact Jamie Campbell at [email protected].

JANUARY 18, 2017