As finals approach, we UC Berkeley students must trade our handles of Vitali’s sweet, sweet nectar for thermoses of warm coffee. But just because your liquor bottles are collecting dust on the shelf doesn’t mean you must renounce the spirit of collegiate life. So don’t fret over abandoned shot glasses — they can still be put to good use.

Take an espresso shot every time:

• someone asks you to watch their stuff
• you ask someone to watch your stuff
• you make a new friend because both of you keep asking each other to watch stuff
• someone “sneakily” eats food in the library; two shots if it’s not boiled goose
• a library employee catches you red-handed with a nonwater beverage; two shots if it’s your espresso
• someone puts their head down on a table and doesn’t resurface after more than five minutes
• you don’t quietly hum “Taps” after those five minutes
• you catch someone scrolling through UC Berkeley Memes for Edgy Teens instead of studying
• your mouse wanders over to “New Tab” and your fingers type “buzzfeed.com”
• you tell yourself it will be “just a 10-minute study break,” but it’s horrendously long
• your internal monologue devolves into something out of the “me to me” meme
• your eyelids suddenly feel much heavier
• you awake with a jerk from a split-second nap
• you completely fall asleep after bringing your books into bed with you
• someone in your group review session says something pretentious
• you are that pretentious asshat
• someone asks, “Is this going to be on the final?”; two shots if you’re the one asking
• there are no seats in Moffitt Library
• you tell yourself, “Yeah, I’m pretty set — all of my finals end Monday”
• you make a post about not studying on the meme page instead of studying
• you catch yourself checking the likes on that post instead of studying
• you hate Stanford students, because grade inflation, amirite?
• you resign yourself to your fate and go home for a Netflix marathon; two shots if it’s something basic like “Stranger Things”
• you feel the urge to take an actual liquor shot
• you talk yourself out of using Baileys in your coffee

Disclaimer: You’ll likely implode if you really take this many espresso shots. Hell, you may never sleep again — either that, or you’ll sleep forever, because that much coffee can probably kill you. Remember to take care of yourself these next couple of weeks. Take naps, eat snacks, and don’t procrastinate!