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5 stages of date party grief

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NOVEMBER 15, 2016

Date party season is among us. Not only does this mean a “Lord of the Flies” situation will soon commence the race to find a date, but this also means that a lot of people will be going through the five stages of grief and stress in the days leading up to date party. We at the Clog decided to write a preview of these five stages to save people some effort and let them know what to expect in these treacherous times.


At first, many people will deny that date party is coming up so quickly. There are, of course, the people who will live out their days in Main Stacks refusing to accept that they text their Postmates delivery person more than potential dates. Then there are those who will do very random, neurotic things like clean every pair of shoelaces they own to try and forget that they have yet to buy anything for date party.


Next comes the anger people feel at themselves for not preparing for date party sooner. Then, as they begin scrambling to get ready four hours after the event is set to start, they’ll lash out at friends, families and the occasional squirrel as they struggle to get their life together for the night.


This is where all of the scheming people learned from lying to their parents about sneaking out in high school will come in handy. As the date party approaches, you’ll hear some things on campus like, “I’ll trade you my kidney if you set me up with someone semi-normal,” and, “I’ll wine and dine you if you tell people I’m too sick to go to date party.” When there’s a bargaining will, there’s a way. Nothing will stop someone determined to get out of date party.


After friends and family deny the many bargaining requests, a person trying to get out of date party will most likely weep into the late hours of the night as the extremity of their procrastination and general lack of social skills settle in. They’ll begin questioning their entire existence and why they don’t have a date, but they’ll simultaneously avoid each potential partner trying to crawl out of the friend zone like the bubonic plaque.


The day before date party, the acceptance that date party will most likely be a disaster will settle in. Either people will volunteer themselves as tribute and go sober in order to take care of their friends, or volunteer themselves as drunk tributes and take one for the team by taking as many shots as possible.

After date party is over and a person has survived these five stages of millennial grief, there will be a buildup of avoiding people, finding excuses not to be in social settings and running away from any humans for a full semester until the next date party season hits.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].

NOVEMBER 14, 2016