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How to eat a 4-course meal in class

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NOVEMBER 07, 2016

Now that Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away, we at the Clog know you’re thinking about that upcoming multi-course meal. We know you’re craving pumpkin pies, mashed potatoes and turkey in every class every single day, so we want to help you out. We have determined a way that you can disguise and eat an entire Berkeley-style four-course meal in class, because what else is class for? You can maximize your time per day by multitasking and eating in class (it’ll save you at least 30 minutes!). We promise it’ll (probably not) be as good as Thanksgiving.

For the appetizer, we know that Golden Bear Café or Bear Market have some pretty good cups of fruit, and we’ve found an ingenious way to disguise them. Get a pencil case that is exactly shaped like the cup of fruit, and place the cup of fruit inside. Then, disguise a fork as a pencil (because, you know, creativity is important), and it’ll look like you’re just casually bringing your pencil to your mouth.  Don’t worry, no one will see the fruit on the fork. This method is sure to work, but for your own safety, be sure to sit in the very back of the class. That will allow you to not only listen intently to your professor, but also successfully eat your fruit appetizer.

A nice, hearty soup will follow the fruit, and we’ve come up with a great way for you to disguise this one. Since you’re allowed to bring water bottles into class, just fill a water bottle with soup. Tomato, split pea, broccoli cheddar, you name it. Then you can easily sip the soup out of your water bottle. But make sure that the water bottle is clear, because we don’t want you to forget about your soup and be alarmed when you burn your mouth. Make sure you, and everyone else, can see that you’re drinking soup out of your water bottle. It’s subtle and will successfully disguise your soup from your professor, but impress your classmates with your ingenuity. 

The main meal is the most important, so we really racked our brains for this one. We’re assuming that most UC Berkeley students would want a burrito from GBC because of meal points and convenience. Find a folder that can stand up pretty well, and stick it straight up on your desk. No one will notice because this is totally normal to do in the middle of lecture, and you can slyly eat your burrito behind it. We recommend bringing some Febreze (which works because it’s tested on real people!), because students, and most likely your professor, can smell burritos from a mile away. We don’t want you getting caught, so make sure you spray quickly. 

After the main meal, you’ll probably want dessert. Cookies are a quick dessert and they’re very clean because they never leave any crumbs or traces of their existence. Keep the bag hidden in your lap and bring the cookies to your mouth when no one is looking. Then, when you’re about to crunch down on a cookie, clap really loudly. It will distract everyone from the fact that you’re eating cookies, because everyone will look at you and wonder why you’re clapping. We at the Clog have deeply analyzed human psychology, so we know that this detailed method of distraction will work. You’ll be able to eat your cookies happily and will definitely not bother others around you.

We hope this helps you Thanksgiving lovers! Not only is this meal nutritious and delicious, but it will also help you use your time more efficiently. We hope you use your next class to try out this imaginative flavor experience — we promise you won’t be disappointed.

Contact Esmé Brachmann at [email protected].

NOVEMBER 06, 2016