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As rain pours, will these story lines leak?

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OCTOBER 19, 2016

As rainy season begins to kick in, it’s not just the roofs of our student-budget apartments that are leaking. With the recent releases of Donald Trump’s “locker room talk” tape and Hillary Clinton’s Goldman Sachs transcripts, the hackers of the world have been busy lately. But why stop at politics? There are a few hidden things at UC Berkeley that are just as significant as the presidential race, if not more so. So whoever is behind all of these leaks, we hope you’re reading. The people need you.

1. Golden Bear Café’s chicken tenders recipe

The chicken formerly known as GBC’s chicken tenders may never be eaten on this campus again. Their disappearance was baffling and left hundreds of lunch-goers directionless and paranoid about the sudden departure of their next favorite lunch item. Leaking the recipe not only allows everyone to taste that crispy batter one more time, but it could also be a major healing point for this campus.

2. A map of Dirk’s network of escape tunnels

Do we really believe there is only one escape hatch? Odds are Dirks has a vast network of escape routes for every room he frequents. Similar to Harry Potter’s “Marauder’s Map,” Dirk’s map only reveals itself if you say, “I solemnly swear I will misuse university funds.” However, this may be a difficult one to leak because even if you find out where it is, he probably built a $700,000 fence around it.

3. The parking enforcement schedule

It’s no secret that the parking in Berkeley is ridiculous. Each street seems to have confusing time intervals and random street sweeping days. Every time we park, we’re never 100 percent sure that we won’t receive a ticket. But if the parking enforcement schedule is released, everyone will know when tickets will be written and which streets will be receiving tickets. Stress from parking would disappear, which would allow us to devote even more time to stressing about our classes.

4. Stanford Football’s play book

Not that we need it, but it would just be nice to have.

Basically, leakers and hackers, focus your attention on what really matters and help us college students out. The campaigns can handle themselves.

We did like that recipe, though.

Contact Ryan Melvin at [email protected].

OCTOBER 18, 2016