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Berkeley renamed

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OCTOBER 05, 2016

Founded in 1868, UC Berkeley is the oldest UC school. With campus’s 150th birthday just two years away, some of the popular places in Berkeley have run their course. We here at the Clog thought it was time to say goodbye to the boring and outdated names of campus’s most renowned spots. So, we decided to rename everything you’ve ever known and loved here. You’re welcome.

Bancroft Avenue = Boulevard of broken dreams

Given how many broken heels, hopes and relationships there are on this street, we thought it’d be fitting to rename it with this somber Green Day song.

Channing Circle = Circle of survival of the fittest

Whether it be cars whipping around the corner and nearly killing you every fine morning, drunk people stumbling around and around the circle looking for their home or a riot on Halloween, there’s no escaping this deathly circle. Try to avoid at all costs and seek safety at a nearby island.

Asian Ghetto = You ate here but you probably don’t remember what

You’re more likely to run into people you know in the Asian Ghetto post-game day than at an actual party for game day. The morning after, you’re going to be surrounded by empty Gypsy boxes and empty wallets.

Piedmont Avenue = Leg Day Lane

Who knew that going to UC Berkeley would mean never skipping a leg day for four years? Going back up towards International House after class is the best/worst thing that ever happened to your quads.

Shattuck Avenue = Sha-fuck how’d I end up here?

Most likely to be awarded the sketchiest street in Berkeley soon, Shattuck Avenue is full of random book stores, people yelling about the Anti-Christ and bus stops where you question if you’ll make it out alive to see your grandchildren. Being on Shattuck Avenue is like leaving the morning after a one-night stand where finding the quickest exit will determine whether or not you survive.

Intersection of Telegraph and Durant Avenues = Tie-dye affair

It’s truly unknown why anyone would ever need as much tie dye as is for sale on this intersection, but to each their own. This could be also called the “very reliable” intersection, based on the trustworthy “FREE PIERCING” sign in front of Noah’s Bagels and the never-late bus stop for the 49 and 52 buses.

Contact Emilia Malachowski at [email protected].

OCTOBER 05, 2016