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How to get away with eating in Main Stacks

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OCTOBER 04, 2016

It’s midterm season, meaning that we’re constantly tired and hungry. Even though we can take intermittent naps in Main Stacks without people disturbing us, eating a small or even a large snack is no easy feat. Based on people and events we’ve seen (remember, actions truly do speak louder than words), we at the Clog have compiled sure-fire ways of sneaking in and eating your food in Main Stacks.

Getting into Main Stacks

The first step is to decide what type of food you would like to take into the library. Is it going to be a muffin? Perhaps a packet of Cheez-Its? Or maybe you just want a good old banana. Choose at your own risk, for the type of snack you pick will decide your fate.

The professional library food eaters tend to hide their food in their backpacks, and push their food all the way to the bottom, just in case someone decides to stop and check their backpack. The daring will simply march into the library with their food out in the open, or perhaps a light jacket precariously covering their hand. If you choose to do so, be thankful if one of the people at the front desk doesn’t spot you.

Once you get past the front desk without being stopped or told to go back outside, you have accomplished the first part of your mission, though the hardest part is yet to come.

Choosing a seat

Choose your seat wisely. Do not, we repeat, do not try to go to an open table, for it’ll be much harder for someone to spot you sitting at a table full of people. Instead, choose an individual desk to provide yourself with a barricade. The particular seat you choose is a personal preference — we suggest sitting next to someone who looks nice, maybe someone who even gives you a half smile. If they smile at you, that means you’re basically best friends with them, and they won’t snitch on you for eating in forbidden territory.

Another option is to sit next to someone who’s already eating. That way their munching and crunching will overshadow yours.

The act of consuming

Next, begin the most important process: eating. Move your food from the bottom of your backpack to the top, balancing it on the top of your folders or notebooks. Leave the package, bag or wrapping open in your backpack. Every two minutes check your surroundings, and if the coast is clear, quickly pick up your food, take a bite and put it back in the wrapper. Make sure to chew as quietly as humanly possible. Simply watch out for people with big garbage bags, ready to make you throw your uneaten apple away. The more adventurous people will leave their food, wrappers and crumbs on their desks. But we highly recommend avoiding this, as we don’t want you to get caught, nor do we want you to leave a trail behind.

We wish you the best of luck as you attempt to navigate Main Stacks and nourish yourself this midterm season, without getting caught of course. Perhaps, however, it’s simply best to finish our food outside the library.

Contact Avanti Mehrotra at [email protected].

OCTOBER 05, 2016