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Snapchat guide take two: the snappening

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JUNE 29, 2016

In our last Snapchat guide, we at the Clog provided some unbeatable tips on improving your Snapchat story. Now that summer has arrived and you’re separated from nearly everyone you know, social media will become an even more important part of communication in the coming months, especially with regards to any romantic interests you may have blooming and thriving under the fiery summer sun.

As you know, romance in college is difficult to find. Sweaty, feverish grinding at a sticky fraternity party where the only thing that gets turned on is the air conditioner (if you’re lucky) may not be the recipe for love you’ve been searching for. The best date you can hope for is a cheap chicken gyro and a baffling kung fu movie in a shared living room area. Did the passionate kiss and tinkling laughter during a kooky martial arts soccer game scene make up for the hours spent in the bathroom expelling the gyro from your system? You can’t be certain.

But what you can be certain of is that to maintain your relationship with this kung fu lovin’ date over the summer, Snapchat must play a key role.

There are two crucial elements to a sexy, flirty and fun personal Snapchat: the face and the filter.

Let’s focus first on what we can’t control: the face. Unfortunately, if you are an uggo, there’s not much we can do to help you here — you’re probably better off texting. You could cake your pasty mug with makeup in an effort to conceal your pockmarked forehead and layer on filter after filter to add some semblance of dimension and vitality to your graying, lifeless skin. But, in the end, you know your crush will see through whatever disguise you attempt to assume. For you, it’ll be best to simply stretch that gaping chasm of a mouth into a strained, shallow smile or close your eyes and make a kissy face (often referred to as “duck lips”) so they can’t see the despair and self-loathing lurking just behind the surface of your glassy, unnerving stare.

After you find the perfect look, finding the filter that best complements your snap is the crucial next step. To cultivate a false sense of confidence, utilizing the dog filter and the range of “pretty-fying” filters, such as the trendy, festival-themed flower crown and the one that just makes you conventionally prettier with no graphic or anything to even distract from the fact all it does is slim your nose and cheekbones down and even out your skin, will mislead your crush into thinking that you have gone from a four to a seven in just a few short weeks. They will immediately fall for you, obviously.

The viking, policeman, skeleton or distortion filters could also be utilized to completely block out your entire unsightly visage, sparing your crush from the ironically crushing disgust and second-hand humiliation they will feel upon receiving your unironically sincere snap.

But I think the most useful piece of advice I could ever give would be to keep it simple. Good luck in your summer romances — we at the Clog hope you can keep things spicy with Snapchat!

Sasha Ashall is the blog editor. Contact Sasha Ashall at [email protected].

JUNE 29, 2016