Rising stress levels, cherubic Girl Scouts and notorious college student hunger create a recipe for disaster. Every colorful box of Thin Mints, Caramel deLites and Peanut Butter Patties is a $5 rectangular prism of ecstasy and regret. An unstoppable force that beckons you to buy everything on the table, the Girl Scouts are well-trained in the art of marketing, and some even accept Venmo as payment. We at the Clog have written out a lesson plan that will save both your wallet and your expanding waistline.
Lesson No. 1: Out of sight, out of mind
Walking to class, there seem to be girls and cookies left and right. The best way to ignore their angelic calls is to know thy enemy. Surprisingly, the troops are well organized and they stick to a rigid schedule. Here is a list of all the locations and times the Berkeley Girl Scouts will be selling for the rest of the cookie season. Map yourself out a foolproof guide to every class to avoid any pitfalls and ambushes.
Lesson No. 2: Prepare for battle
Filling up on a heavy-duty breakfast or lunch will help you resist the temptation of buying these sugar overloads. Don’t let your hunger control you, and think about what $5 dinner you can buy instead. Your body will thank you later for passing on the high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oils.
Lesson No. 3: Time to suit up
Can’t avoid walking past Sproul Plaza or Caffe Strada? Take a page out of the book of celebrities and try to blend in with your surroundings. Pretend to be engrossed in study notes or texts and walk quickly to your destination without any second thoughts. Wear large sunglasses and avoid making direct eye contact with any of the girls. Once they entrap you with their stare, it’s game over.
Lesson No. 4: Strength in numbers
If you can’t do this alone, don’t be ashamed to hit up a friend or saddle up with a classmate. Make sure your partner is able to stop your urges and that they aren’t an enabler. If they, too, seem to be falling under the Girl Scout spell, push them toward the table as tribute while running away. Your friend may blame you later, but their anger will melt once they’ve gotten their fill of cookies.
Lesson No. 5: Amp up your defense
Find empty Girl Scout cookie boxes from the stash you’ve already eaten or look through the recycling bins. Place your favorite snack of choice into the boxes and assemble the pieces of cardboard back together. The next time a Girl Scout asks you if you want to buy cookies, whip out one of your boxes and reply that you’ve just bought some. Proceed to rattle your cookie shield while walking far, far away from the tabling troop.
Lesson No. 6: Honesty is the best policy
If you’re reading this article, you’re probably aware of your Girl Scout cookie addiction. Congratulations! The first step in the road to recovery is acknowledging that you have a problem. You’ve gone through at least four or five boxes of each flavor and your bank account is on the verge of not being able to pay rent. As you pass the Girl Scouts, know that you’ve already spent an enormous sum on cookies and truthfully tell the girls that you’re broke.
If all else fails, know that you only have to endure this torture for the next two weeks. Girl Scout cookie sales end by March 14.