- Uh-oh.
- I can’t find my keys.
- Did I check in my backpack?
- Okay, it’s been five minutes, and all I’ve found is a bunched-up flyer from Sproul and 27 cents in pennies.
- Did I leave my keys in my room?
- OH GOD I LEFT MY KEYS IN MY ROOM.
- Please be unlocked, please be unlocked, please be unlocked.
- Damn it.
- Okay, I’m definitely keyless and outside of my locked room.
- Maybe the RA will let me in.
- Or maybe not.
- She’s still pretty mad about that squirrel I caught last week.
- How was I supposed to know it was rabid?
- Besides the fact that it was foaming at the mouth, I guess.
- All I wanted was a floor pet. It’s not my fault it bit her.
- I hope she gets out of the hospital soon, at least.
- And I hope all the other RAs in the building get out of the hospital soon, too.
- And all the hall staff.
- Damn, that squirrel did some damage.
- I guess it was …
- … one nutty squirrel.
- Nice.
- Is it acceptable to fist-bump myself?
- I’m so tired. I spent all day writing that big essay due tomorrow.
- That big essay which is saved on my laptop.
- Inside my room, behind this locked door.
- Stay calm.
- Maybe I could go to the unit office. I think they have spare keys I could use to let myself back in.
- But it’s four in the morning. The unit office is closed.
- I didn’t want it to have to come to this.
- I’m going to have to deal with this like an adult and accept the fact that I may be locked out of my room indefinitely.
- Even though all my study materials and homework are in there and this midterm is 30 percent of my grade.
- I’m just going to have to be optimistic.
- If I can’t get into my room, I’ll never have to make my bed again.
- Even though I don’t make my bed anyway.
- I won’t ever have to worry about losing my keys or getting locked out, because I’ve already done that.
- I’ll probably have to sleep in the floor lounge, using my backpack as a pillow and old issues of the Daily Cal as blankets.
- I’ll live off the fat of the land, grazing on the pickings from nearly-empty ramen bowls and doing my homework by looking at the textbook over people’s shoulders.
- The world will be my oyster!
- I’ll be untethered and free to roam anywhere I desire!
- Nobody can stop me from doing anything I want!
- Except going into my room.
- My midterm is in fewer than five hours. I have to do something.
- Desperate times call for desperate measures. I’ll have to use my own body as a battering ram.
- I’m doing this for you, GPA.
- OW.
- I think I broke my collarbone. And I may have a minor concussion. And the door isn’t even open —
- OH MY GOD IT’S OPENING, I DID IT.
- Is that my roommate? Did she just open the door?
- Something that she could have done all along if I had just knocked?
- At least I can get into my dorm now.
- … or I could, if my roommate wasn’t so grumpy about being woken up that she locked me out.
BERKELEY'S NEWS • SEPTEMBER 21, 2023
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SEPTEMBER 23, 2015
Contact Ariel Sauri at [email protected].
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SEPTEMBER 22, 2015
