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5 things we can do now that hipsters are gone for Coachella

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APRIL 16, 2015

Berkeley, the hipster capital of the world, has been radically transformed in these past few weeks. The cause? Half of Berkeley has embarked on a journey to the hipster Mecca known as the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Here are some things we can do with impunity now that they’re gone — better hurry up and do them before they come back.

1. Cross the street without getting hit by a bike.

You know, Berkeley hipsters on bikes are actually a safety hazard. We’re just doing our thing, jaywalking on Bancroft Way and Telegraph Avenue, when all of a sudden a bike comes out of nowhere and almost creams us. No more, friends, no more. Live without fear, and cross streets to your heart’s content (at least for a week). But there are cars, you say? Cars won’t purposefully swerve to hit you if you’re rocking an Urban Outfitters cardigan better than the driver can. Trust us: Cars are safer.

2. Buy clothes at Urban Outfitters without having to wait in line.

OK, so why is it that when we’re in the discount section at Urban, we always get in brawls over pieces of clothing? No, it’s not us — it’s the sheer number of hipsters browsing there every moment of the day. That’s why we advise you to take this opportunity to raid the sale section and walk right up to the register to pay for your hauls. A deserted discount section and no line? Better buy the whole store while you can — at least, that’s what you’ll tell yourself.

3. Wear Birkenstocks for comfort instead of fashion.

Honestly, we at the Clog constantly question how an article of clothing that both our moms and we approve of is trendy. Clearly it’s not trendy if our mothers like it — no offense, Clog moms. We love you. But because the hipsters are at Coachella, we can now all drop the pretense and wear Birks for their comfort instead of their style. No more fashion photographers popping out of the bushes and assuming that your “woke up late for class” look is perfectly crafted disheveled-chique. Everyone now knows you’re only wearing those Birks to protect your feet from the terrifying Berkeley hills, and we’re not judging.

4. Play Taylor Swift and Katy Perry on Memorial Glade without fear of reprisal. 

We all know that Tay and KayPay are perfect sunbathing music, but we can never blast them during our Glade sessions without feeling judged. This week, however, you don’t have to pretend to like Sufjan Stevens and Bon Iver anymore, because the hipsters are gone. No more crying while you sunbathe because of the depressing music — only smiles and messages of female empowerment. Go forth and tan, friends.

5. Get the non-creepy table at Saturn Cafe.

We at the Clog love Saturn, but because it’s always so crowded, we get the table with the creepy severed doll heads every time. You’d think the law of averages would be on our side, but when it comes to Saturn, you’re dead wrong. But everything changes with the mass evacuation of the hipsters. Everyone who wants to eat at Saturn is gone, and we have our run of the tables. Maybe we’ll pick the one next to the glitter column — who knows? Anything goes in this crazy world … at least for a few more days.

Contact Emma Schiffer at [email protected].

APRIL 16, 2015