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How to avoid the plague and/or common cold

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MARCH 02, 2015

Obviously, the first step to staying healthy is to not catch any of the nasty stuff floating around. But clearly, many of y’all are incompetent in that area, so we’ll move on to some other, more preventative tips.

Get the flu shot. Even if you get infected by another strain of the flu, the flu shot can lessen the symptoms and discomfort. For those who believe vaccinations cause autism, this has been proven false. Go get the shot for your own good and for the greater good.

Dress for the weather. Do not wear a fashionable top without a jacket to look “cute.” Trust us, you’ll look cuter with a scarf and a fuzzy sweater. Even when you’re feeling cozy, open the window once in a while to let fresh air circulate the room. This does not mean leaving the window wide open at night and waking up stiff as a board with snot flowing from your nose. If this happens … there is no cure for you.

Avoid the “infected.” This might mean wearing a full-body protective suit, because better safe than sorry. When you see signs of a sneeze formation: the classic squinty eyes, sudden intake of breath and raised chin, run away as fast as you can, like the Jerusalem wall in “WWZ” just collapsed and endless streams of zombies are gushing out. Same with coughs. Just make sure to keep your distance from all things germ-y. And if you end up being one of the unfortunate souls who got a “gentle spray” on your face, you best pray to every single health deity that you did not just catch the cold.

Be wary of public surfaces. Wash your hands like they are bloodstained from murdering your neighbor. Who knows what’s growing on (or under) those desks in class. The last person who sat in your seat may not have washed their hands after spending some time in the stalls. Speaking of which, please wash your hands for the sake of your health and the health of your fellow 36,000 students. For those with dry skin, make sure to moisturize your hands after intense washing sessions to prevent cracking. Remember, you want to look fabulous even if you failed miserably and managed to get sick.

Don’t forget vitamins. Eat fresh fruit and vegetables regularly for all the natural vitamin and mineral goodness, because it’s too late to sip Emergen-C when you’re already sick. In addition, get plenty of sleep regularly. You are beyond tardy if you only start sleeping after you get sick, like the slug student from “Monster University” who arrived to class after the school year ended.

If you fail to follow all of the advice above, then prepare to suffer through a  headache, stuffy nose, sore throat and coughing your lungs out.

Image source: Ryan Hyde

Contact Stephanie Wang at [email protected].

MARCH 01, 2015