Are you having a dry season? Sick of cuddling up next to your teddy bear on a Saturday night? Do you wish you had a honey to call your own? It’s not too late to score a hot hookup — take some of these simple suggestions, brought to you by the same folks who advocated having intercourse at Crossroads in “Best places on campus to have sex,” and you’ll be getting more game than … well, more game than our football team got this past season.
1. Wear glasses in the style of Chancellor Nicholas Dirks
Dirks didn’t get to where he is now through long-term economic planning, honest politics and effective management. No, he used his good looks and his charm. As he said to 3,000 incoming undergraduates at the 2013 new student convocation, “Chancellor Dirks is hot.”
2. Advertise your overabundance of meal points.
Play sugar daddy, and attract all the hungry gold-diggers by flaunting your purchasing power. Nothing is sexier than a dining hall powerhouse.
3. “Accidentally” use the opposite sex’s bathroom.
It’s a surefire conversation starter. You are guaranteed to have all eyes on you the moment you enter the room.
4. Spot a frat hookup, and launch yourself into the action.
If two is better than one, then three is better than two. Next time you see a couple about to lock lips, catapult yourself into the center of that action and turn a perfect pair into a sexy sandwich. You’ll receive love from the left and the right.
5. Be like the squirrels, and get friendly with strangers.
Take a cue from our furry friends, and have the confidence to approach random campus goers. But maybe don’t initiate conversation by eating crumbs off their shoes.
6. Write your (phone) number in chalk on Sproul Plaza.
If you lost the ASUC elections and still have your name plastered all over the cement, make use of that leftover colorful calcium carbonate, and publicly display your cell phone number for all to see. If someone is desperate enough, he or she might just dial you up!
7. Roll down 4.0 Hill until you come into physical contact with someone else.
Chances are, the people you run into will be so surprised by the fact that a human being just rolled onto them, they won’t have time to think about what happens next. Take the lead and give them a grassy embrace.
8. Ask someone to prom.
While most are aware that prom does not exist at UC Berkeley, or any college for that matter, the prospect of being asked to prom is so overwhelmingly exciting that your subject won’t even care that there is in fact no prom. Where you go from there is up to you.