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No thanks, I’m coughing

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FEBRUARY 21, 2012

Yuck, I’m sick. Actually, I’ve now been sick for almost two weeks, and it’s only slowly going away — despite all the DayQuil and codeine syrup. This episode is so gross. There’s the congestion; the sniffly, runny nose; the incessant coughing fits; the headache from the coughing fits; the phlegm in the cough and all the other obnoxious things that come with being sick.

Awesome. I’ve absolutely loved having my whole life disrupted by this cold. Oh, and especially the wrench it has thrown in my sex life.

Let’s face it, being sick can be a real problem when it comes to getting it on. On the one hand, if you are a considerate human being, you are staying away from your usual partners in crime in the name of protecting their health — OK, fine, in the name of not getting yourself uninvited from future bang sessions because you got them sick. So while you are displaying all this consideration, you are obviously also being deprived of your usual sexytime.

One of my usual friends with benefits does exactly that. A few weeks ago, he was suffering through a little bug and quarantined himself from me for a week and a half. Thanks, buddy. On the (slightly) bright side, I’m the one who’s sick now, so he’s currently suffering the celibate treatment — revenge!

On the other hand, even if whoever you’d be booty calling right about now swears that they really couldn’t care less about that little sickness you’ve got going on (you know who you are), you likely aren’t feeling very sexy at all. All that throat-clearing and snot you’re desperately fighting to sniff back in (where are the tissues when you need them?) does not exactly fit in with lingerie or silk boxers, now does it? Moans and sensual exhaling are the traditional soundtrack, not sniffs and wheezing. And God forbid you burst into an uncontrollable coughing fit during some oral action. Ew, not cute at all.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the five days I spent without a voice. I thought I was going crazy by the third day, and there is no way in hell I sounded even remotely attractive. Whispering a few directions and dirty words in his ear while working the missionary would have been one thing; having my voice crack and fail to go past a couple decibels at the climax would have been another, and not an attractive one. No thank you, I’ll pass.

So either way, you are left sexless.

As if the misery of being sick should be made worse by the misery of celibacy.

Now, if you are a lucky one with a sig fig, congratulations. You are probably still going to get some regardless of the state of your health. And let me add: I hate you for that. I remember the days of having a fella and not letting a little cough or sneeze get in the way of carnal desires. Ah, how I miss those short periods of my life.

But something new has happened to me this time around. My sex drive has disappeared! I know, how could this be?

Normally, when I’m sick, I’m only somewhat bothered by the traditional symptoms. A little sore throat or congestion doesn’t stop me from having epic bedroom sessions when I need or want them. Sure, they are punctuated by a little coughing here and there, but who cares, right?

But somehow, since about the third day of being sick this time, the thought of having sex — even with myself — pretty much did not cross my mind. There has been a lot of thinking about my homework, what I would like to eat for dinner, what outfit to wear, whether I should take more DayQuil, which library I should go to, Kip’s or Pappy’s tonight, etc. But no itching to get fucked. Not even once.

Actually, I ended up turning down every booty call because the idea of it was straight up unappealing. Even the thought of having a party with myself yielded only an unenthused sigh and the immediate decision to spend my time otherwise. Yeah, talk about not being myself.

I don’t think I even remember what sex feels like.

Wait, is this normal? Will this happen to me again? I sure as hell hope not! Is it correlated with the number of days I’ve been sick? With the level of congestion I’ve been having? Is it caused by the DayQuil? The codeine? The delicious Ricola cough drops? All the chamomile tea I’ve been drinking?

Help! What is happening to me?!

All right, no panicking. In the name of optimism, I’m going to go ahead and predict that soon enough, once this really annoying cold leaves me alone, everything with go back to normal, sex addiction included. This is probably nature’s way of telling me I should rest now so I can have even better sex once I’m back in tip-top shape, right? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Sounds like a good explanation.

And now off to the drugstore to pick up some more DayQuil — and a new big box of condoms, of course.

Contact Kia Kokalitcheva at 


APRIL 17, 2015

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