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Happy birthday, Cupid!

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FEBRUARY 14, 2012

Valentine’s Day. Or rather, Singles Awareness Day. What a horrible and exclusionary holiday. I mean, if you don’t have a “special someone,” what are you supposed to do? Give all your friends boxes of sweetheart candy with little messages written on them?

Sure — if you’re 8 years old. Let’s face it: We are at the age at which we date, so the divide between those with and those without a romantic interest is pretty hard to miss.

I’m sure many would expect this column, oh-so-conveniently published today, to be a big love-fest about Valentine’s Day filled with praise for the day’s loveliness and its warm and fuzzy feelings. It would also, of course, be filled with tips for achieving a great date tonight.

Well, this is not what I’m going to write.

Call me a bitter chick who’s had her heart broken too many times, but the fact of the matter is that Valentine’s Day has never been nice to me, so I will not be nice to it either. So, if not the traditional flowers, candy, love notes and dinner dates with that special someone, what should you do?

Have a threesome. Or a foursome. Or a big orgy. Whatever you want! Why limit yourself to a sexy encounter with just one person? The more the merrier.

Share the love. Two pairs of boobs is always better than one, and Sasha Grey will tell you that two dicks is definitely better than one.

Plus, since today is supposed to be such a “special” day, let’s make it the day on which you have your first threesome, if you haven’t done that already.

However, as much fun as a threesome (or whatever-some) sounds like, there’s also the whole challenge of dividing your attention between two or more people or, even worse, competing for someone’s attention while you’re trying to stay on the road to sexual nirvana. Yeah, it could be a bit of a problem for some people, and that is why I’m suggesting a variant on this idea.

Schedule different people throughout the day or night. Why not! I suppose you could have a Valentine’s Day lunch with one cutie, an afternoon quickie with a different one, a shmexy dinner with a third hottie and a toe-curling, back-arching bedroom session with that fourth one you’ve been saving for last.

Or, if you’re busy all day (this is Cal, perfectly natural), you could just squeeze them all into a perfectly scheduled night.

Yes, I know, some of you are probably shocked that I just suggested that.

Well, I’m shocked you still waste your money on candy for that one person you know is going to put out tonight anyway.

Now, if the idea of dealing with more than one person does not sound all that appealing at all, then just have a party by yourself. A party in your pants, that is.

Yes, I am most definitely telling you to go on and have a nice, long, awesome session with yourself — and maybe a toy or two. At the end of the day, boys and girls will come and go, but you’ll always have yourself.

I mean, others will break your heart or just be incredibly selfish and cruel, so why even bother?! Plus, no one knows you and how to get you off better than — you guessed it — yourself.

So treat yourself to a new toy (or use your good ol’ favorite one, if you prefer), grab your favorite porn flicks or pick up some chocolates and candles if you’d like and go to town on yourself. You won’t be getting a free dinner and flowers out of it, but you also won’t have to cater to anyone else’s needs or have to put up with their annoying flaws, lame jokes, whiny, prissy voices, outfits that make them look like they got dressed in the dark or really anything about them. Beat that, Valentine’s Day lovers!

And lastly, if you are feeling festive and generous, grab your best party buds and head over to your favorite or most acclaimed local strip joint. What could be a better way to spend today than getting wasted with your friends and sharing the green paper love with these ladies?

Actually, having your own stripper party at your place would probably bump you up a notch higher on the awesomeness scale. All right then, go with whichever one will not get you excommunicated from your apartment by your roommates.

So there you have it: some of my recommendations for superior ways to spend the day. I fully understand if you have a sweetie and feel the need to do the flowers and dinner gig.

But if you’re single like me, don’t worry. Just grab a few fuck buddies, a vibrator, some porn, dollar bills and your sexual appetite, and have a sexilicious day!

Contact Kia Kokalitcheva at 


APRIL 17, 2015